Consuming Activated Cashews Is Like Getting Railed By Mr. Peanut And We Can’t Recommend It Enough

September 4, 2021 by , featured in Food and Recipes
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If you’re a red-blooded female, you know that the best way to kickstart the day is by ramming your mouth hole with a fistful of nuts, whether it be almonds, or Stephen’s asymmetrical testicles (lol. But seriously they’re different sizes). That’s why we can’t stop using our mouth hole to talk about the immune-building ram sesh that is activated cashews.

Activated cashews are essentially just cashews soaked in alkalized water (aka better water) which leads to a germination and sprouting process. They’re better than boring sleeping nuts because they’re alive while still staying totally vegan we think. Activated cashews also bring you the gift of graceful poops, like a ballerina performing arabesques through your anus, and provide enough extra vitamins and nutrients to essentially make you a notch below immortal Greek god.

Activated cashews were brought to our attention by health guru Miranda Ham, creator of Space Juice. We interviewed Ham but forgot to take notes because we were so enamored by her effervescence and ability to wear all beige without stains, but we got the gist.

When we met up with Ham to enjoy a detoxifying charcoal lemonade enema in her breezy cabana, we gnawed on activated cashews until we entered a state of ecstasy. We were carried into a daydream where in which Mr. Peanut appeared as a modern Williamsburg version of his classic haberdasher look. He still donned a monocle, but also taught Bikram yoga. Hot. As the hidden micronutrients of the nuts awakened in our bodies, so did our libidos for this little nut man. Before half the bag had been consumed we were rubbing those little babies all over our private entrances to heaven!

If you haven’t fantasized about Mr. Peanut bending you over a wicker chaise and pulling your hair with the all-natural energy only the healthy fats a nut can provide, you don’t know what sex is. Stephen could never make you scream like this. 


The orgasmic release from the unbridled natural energy of the activated cashews and a little bit of charcoal lemonade enema caused us to hike all of Runyon Canyon in 15 minutes without even allowing time for the dirt to settle on our Outdoor Voices matching set. The feeling of mastering such a feat left us further aroused, and—in front of every other lesser-enlightened being—we came all over the trail and created a mudslide.

Even better? We came cashew milk.

Mmmmm nutrients!

Images: Wikimedia Commons, PixabayMr. Peanut/Facebook

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