bunnyears

…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…

Sugar-Free Christmas Cookies Less Disappointing Than Your Incel Son

Baking cookies during the holidays is a great way to delight your loved ones with sweet treats whilst simultaneously lording your homemaking skills over their dumb heads. As everyone and their mother in my tax bracket knows, a gift just isn’t a gift if it isn’t wrapped with love and condescension. With the increasing rate of  food allergies and intolerances plaguing the nation, it’s tough to find recipes that meet everyone’s delicate diets.

I’ve recently learned from my son’s holistic anger management horse-therapist (he both works with horses and is a horse made to look like he’s speaking with a mouth full of peanut butter) that my child’s boy-rage about women can be directly linked to a high-sugar diet. It is possible that telling him every single day of his life that he’s perfect and entitled to human bodies might have also made a slight contribution. I, however, refuse to assume responsibility for him being a 28-year-old man who confidently wrote “Depressed virgin, no sluts” on his dating profile, so let’s get to baking, shall we?

Baking tip: Make sure to preheat your oven way before you pull out the ingredients. That way, you have it ready to go while you measure, mix, and bring your son, Zacathy, his afternoon hot toddy, which is actually something his weird friend, Todd, came up with by boiling Mountain Dew and Alpha Brain in a filthy pot. Todd smells like hot dog water and has been kicked off several airplanes for smoking clove cigarettes upon takeoff.

DON’T MISS:  Which Artisan-Crafted DUI is Right For You?

Gingersnap Cookies

These gingersnap cookies are made by whipping together shortening, eggs, baking soda, and flour. They taste so close to the real thing that they’re far less of a letdown than your son being a moderator on a red pill message board. While there is no cinnamon, sugar, or dark molasses in this dough, feel free to shout “Stevia” into the bowl to add a little decadence to the mix. Adding a pinch of ground ginger at the end will bring some extra zest. Just like when my redheaded son tries to lead a hunger strike when his female coworkers refuse to give him their home addresses, this ginger snaps!

Sugar Cookies

I love sugar cookies. They’re a classic favorite of everyone who hates chocolate chips and prefers their sex to be silent as a morgue. While “sugar” is in the name, these babies are totally sugar-free. How can this be achieved? Sheer force of will, that’s how! Once the batter is assembled in the bowl, you will strongly suggest to these cookies that they should be sweet, just like I strongly suggest to Zacathy and his friend, Stevetopher, that they not stage that coup at the local Gold’s Gym to get back at someone named, I dunno, Chad and Stacy, I guess? Instead of sprinkles or icing, you can use the tears you shed over the fact that you will never have a grandchild your son did not steal from a shopping mall.

DON’T MISS:  How To Make Eight-Year-Old Brandon Think You’re The Coolest Counselor At Camp This Year

Thumbprint Cookies

Thumbprint cookies get their name for the little thumbprint indent in the cookie that is commonly filled with jelly or jam. These cookies are a fun group project you can participate in with loved ones, because they can help make the little divots in each batch. Thumbprints are very familiar to Zacathy, because he had to have his fingerprints documented after he was found writing threatening letters to honeydew melons from our local supermarket for being too seductive. Instead of using refined sugar in the strawberry jam, we’ll be using several ground-up sleeping pills to keep my horror show of a boy from heckling the local women’s jogging club with a megaphone during their afternoon run. If he’s sleeping facedown in his own saliva, he can’t demand that a housewife take his greasy manhood. Who knew that cutting sugar out of your life could be so easy?

Photos: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay

You Might Also Like

How Eating Ass Improved My Gut Health

I’m about to toss that like a caesar.

Read More

Easy Diet Changes To Make You Healthier, Happier, and Afraid To Eat

It’s not hard to make these small changes in your life, it just takes a little planning and a TON of constant anxiety.

Read More

Chrissy Teigen Is The Anti-Gwyneth, So I Guess We Have To Eat Her

How else shall we absorb her powers?

Read More
No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Stalk Us

Video of the Week

We’re Back, Baby! Take THAT, Sawa!