Baking cookies during the holidays is a great way to delight your loved ones with sweet treats whilst simultaneously lording your homemaking skills over their dumb heads. As everyone and their mother in my tax bracket knows, a gift just isn’t a gift if it isn’t wrapped with love and condescension. With the increasing rate of food allergies and intolerances plaguing the nation, it’s tough to find recipes that meet everyone’s delicate diets.
I’ve recently learned from my son’s holistic anger management horse-therapist (he both works with horses and is a horse made to look like he’s speaking with a mouth full of peanut butter) that my child’s boy-rage about women can be directly linked to a high-sugar diet. It is possible that telling him every single day of his life that he’s perfect and entitled to human bodies might have also made a slight contribution. I, however, refuse to assume responsibility for him being a 28-year-old man who confidently wrote “Depressed virgin, no sluts” on his dating profile, so let’s get to baking, shall we?
Baking tip: Make sure to preheat your oven way before you pull out the ingredients. That way, you have it ready to go while you measure, mix, and bring your son, Zacathy, his afternoon hot toddy, which is actually something his weird friend, Todd, came up with by boiling Mountain Dew and Alpha Brain in a filthy pot. Todd smells like hot dog water and has been kicked off several airplanes for smoking clove cigarettes upon takeoff.
These gingersnap cookies are made by whipping together shortening, eggs, baking soda, and flour. They taste so close to the real thing that they’re far less of a letdown than your son being a moderator on a red pill message board. While there is no cinnamon, sugar, or dark molasses in this dough, feel free to shout “Stevia” into the bowl to add a little decadence to the mix. Adding a pinch of ground ginger at the end will bring some extra zest. Just like when my redheaded son tries to lead a hunger strike when his female coworkers refuse to give him their home addresses, this ginger snaps!
I love sugar cookies. They’re a classic favorite of everyone who hates chocolate chips and prefers their sex to be silent as a morgue. While “sugar” is in the name, these babies are totally sugar-free. How can this be achieved? Sheer force of will, that’s how! Once the batter is assembled in the bowl, you will strongly suggest to these cookies that they should be sweet, just like I strongly suggest to Zacathy and his friend, Stevetopher, that they not stage that coup at the local Gold’s Gym to get back at someone named, I dunno, Chad and Stacy, I guess? Instead of sprinkles or icing, you can use the tears you shed over the fact that you will never have a grandchild your son did not steal from a shopping mall.
Thumbprint cookies get their name for the little thumbprint indent in the cookie that is commonly filled with jelly or jam. These cookies are a fun group project you can participate in with loved ones, because they can help make the little divots in each batch. Thumbprints are very familiar to Zacathy, because he had to have his fingerprints documented after he was found writing threatening letters to honeydew melons from our local supermarket for being too seductive. Instead of using refined sugar in the strawberry jam, we’ll be using several ground-up sleeping pills to keep my horror show of a boy from heckling the local women’s jogging club with a megaphone during their afternoon run. If he’s sleeping facedown in his own saliva, he can’t demand that a housewife take his greasy manhood. Who knew that cutting sugar out of your life could be so easy?