Who You’ll Come Back To Haunt After You Die, Based On Your Sign!
The afterlife is often hailed as a mysterious and unknowable part of the human experience. But we here at Bunny Ears can confirm that there is, in fact, life after death, and you will come back as a spooky ghost. And thanks to our first-rate team of astrologers, spiritualists, and Ted (a cool guy we met at a Days-Inn) we can even ascertain who you’ll haunt after you die! Read on to find out—based on your zodiac sign!
Bill Cosby. We know, we know—Bill Cosby is sure to die in prison soon anyway. But doesn’t he deserve to be tormented to the max after everything he’s done? You certainly will think so.
The Girl Who Was Rude To You That One Time In Macy’s. Surprised? So were we. You could have chosen anyone—literally anyone—to come back and haunt (many of them extremely deserving). You’re one petty S.O.B.
You warned Mr. Lotts about that creaky porch step for years, and it’s ultimately his neglect that leads to your demise. Well, kind of. Okay, maybe it was more you getting loaded on four Long Island iced teas and insisting you could make it from your front door to the mailbox in “like three seconds, four at most,” and betting a lot of money on that obvious fallacy. But you need a place to misdirect both your rage and your humiliation, and Mr. Lotts fits the bill.
Susan from HR. Finally! You get to make Susan’s life a living hell in death, just like she did to you in life.
Your Sister. See above rationale for haunting Susan.
Mrs. McAllister (Jimmy’s mom). We admittedly can’t really explain this one. Maybe there’s something small but significant that happened between you two, or maybe there was just a haunting-related administrative mistake. All we know for sure is that you’ll definitely come back to haunt Jimmy’s mom, and neither of you will ever understand why.
Jack Dorsey, Founder of Twitter. You always said you’d do it. “If I die and come back as a ghost, I’m gonna haunt that motherfucker Jack Dorsey.” And you do!
An Unsuspecting Family That Moves Into Your Home. You’ll be getting back to Haunting 101 with the poor and unassuming Becker family. You’ll do everything from painting “GET OUT” on the walls in blood to making them dance fun and crazy like in Beetlejuice. You’ll eventually give up and just live and let live though, because death won’t make you any less lazy.
Mark. Mark knows what he did. That fucking P.O.S.
The Guy Who Planned Your Murder And Then Tried To Woo Your Wife. Is this the plot of the movie Ghost? Yes. Is it also a very real eventuality for you? Also yes.
The Cast Of Dawson’s Creek (Just The OG Four, Not The Bullshit Busy Philipps Seasons). This one is less about spooky haunting and more about your own voyeuristic tendencies (that will be fully enabled after death). You were always obsessed with Joshua Jackson, Katie Holmes, Michelle Williams, and James Van Der Beek, and now you can spend decades watching them eat cereal and poop.
No one. Looks like you go straight to hell, Pisces!