The Best Health Advice Based On Your Star Sign

Hey! It’s you! It feels like it’s been so long. I missed you. Come, friends. Learn the ancient wisdom of the stars to prevent the most common health ailments suffered by your zodiac sign. I love you. So try to stick around for a while, OK?

Aries

You’re active and energetic … which also likely means you’re overly sweaty. Shower often and use condoms to prevent contracting Epididymitis from the bacteria swarming all over your virile Aries junk.

Lucky Numbers: 35, 50 … the average number of ewes a vigorous ram such as yourself can effectively mate with.

Taurus

You are drawn to the finer things in life. Beauty and comfort are of the utmost importance to a snobby ol’ Taurus. Surround yourself with a cool, calming environment to avoid any undue stress that may affect your weakass appetite and immune system.

Lucky Number: 400 … the weight at which castration begins to become increasingly dangerous for cattle.

Gemini

Gemini are the absolute best sign in the entire zodiac. Don’t let anyone ever tell you different. You are a social butterfly and have a hard time saying “no.” You may take on more responsibility than you can handle. It’s all good, though. Nobody actually expects a Gemini to follow through on anything, anyway. Abandon everything you start and focus on your social circle to increase your longevity.

Lucky Numbers: 1961, 1998 … the years The Parent Trap and its remake debuted.

Cancer

You are the neediest of the zodiac signs, resulting in a deep desire for romantic love and close relationships. You are so damn extra you can also swing the other way and get cranky with your loved ones on a frequent basis. Personal space will provide a much-needed sense of solitude and safety.

Lucky Number: 350 … the optimal number of degrees required to cook crab legs.

Leo

As a Leo, you have a strong desire to be the center of attention. You live for the limelight. Be careful not to spend too much of your time chasing stardom or you may become overly stressed by the long hours and repetitive nature of performing life. Careful what you wish for, amirite? You need room for spontaneity or you may become aggressive and could withdraw from close relationships.

Lucky Numbers: 20, 250 … the approximate number of death and injuries caused to people by big cats in the past two decades.

Virgo

You are intelligent, shy, modest, and full of common sense. These traits make Virgo more likely to prefer the loner lifestyle. No swiping for you! Be on the lookout for shortness of breath, changes in appetite and eating habits, or a greenish tint to paling skin. A steady diet of man sausage will keep the Green Sickness at bay.

Lucky Numbers: 14, 22 … the ideal ages between which to lose your virginity in order to avoid sexual health risks later in life.

Libra

You want your life and relationships to be as harmonious as a perfectly balanced set of scales. Get this through your thick skull: You. Cannot. Stop being such a pushover. Carve out time to focus on yourself and your own mental health to avoid depression.

Lucky Number: 3.6 … the percentage at which lawyers are more likely to develop depression than those in a different field.

Scorpio

You tend to have a one-track mind. Once you set your sights on something it’s all over. Stop being so selfish and take a mother-loving break once in a while. Or at least drink lots of water to avoid dehydration, damn.

Lucky Numbers: 1.2 million, 3,250 … the annual number of scorpion stings and the resulting deaths caused by them.

Sagittarius

Hey! Look at me! Look at me, I’m a Sagittarius! That’s you. You sound like that. Stop pushing yourself so hard or performance anxiety may begin to affect your ability to perform previously mastered skills.

Lucky Numbers: 24, 28 … the rank Geena Davis reached out of how many competitors in her attempt to reach the 2000 Olympics in 1999.

Capricorn

You are cautious and prefer to approach life with a meticulous and mild mannerzzzzzz … Sorry, I fell asleep. Your life is just so boring. You prefer small snacks to big meals and avoid rich and spicy foods. While also soul-crushingly boring, this is a technically a good thing, as gastrointestinal issues often plague Capricorns who overeat or who have too many rich foods in their diets.

Lucky Numbers: 24.7 million, $1.47 … the amount in pounds of wool shorn in 2017 and the price per pound at which it was sold on average.

Aquarius

You are adventurous and may have a bit of an addictive nature. Your “passion” for novelty may cause a form of tunnel vision that will prevent you from taking a step back and allowing your body and mind to relax. Slow down and take a chill pill, aight?

Lucky Numbers: 67, 127 … the number of scuba diving related deaths in 2015 and the number of those deaths being investigated by the Divers Alert Network.

Pisces

As a Pisces, you carry an immense amount of empathy toward those closest to you. And those over there. And those even further over there. Quit being such a doormat and place boundaries for fucks sake. Be careful who you choose to offer your support to, as Pisces can easily be taken advantage of by bloodsucking parasites who only care for their own personal gain.

Lucky Number: 800 … the amount of sand in pounds that a parrotfish poops out per year.