I Started Foam Rolling And Now I’m Tumbling Down A Hill At 50mph

Foam rolling is a great way to elongate your spine and eliminate back pain. Keeping a foam roller in your house will ensure that your back is straight and your feet are tripped every time you try to walk through the living room. I purchased a foam roller, and it came with a brochure titled “Start Foam Rolling Now!” but I’ve been unable to find out if there’s a “Stop Foam Rolling Now!” brochure. I am currently tumbling down a hill at 50 miles per hour. Fuck, a rock.

When I started foam rolling, I never thought it would impact my life this much. I figured my foam roller would go the way of my Swedish exercise ball, my outdoor birthing tank, and my poodles—I know they’re somewhere in my house, but I haven’t seen them in years. But foam rolling is different. If you do it like I did, foam rolling will literally become your life. I haven’t seen my kids since I started foam rolling two weeks ago, and I’ve never looked back, mostly because if I do, I’ll break my neck.

The most important aspect of foam rolling (other than finding out how to stop) is your breath. Lie backwards on a perpendicular foam roller. Inhale and roll up for five seconds. Exhale and roll down for three. Savor that breathing. You’ll miss it when you’re rolling endlessly down a hill and a tree branch has punctured your lung. If you have a yard, you should definitely foam roll outside. You should do everything outside to commune with nature (especially birthing), but be careful not to start rolling at the very top of a hill, or you might never stop.

Foam rolling is also great exercise. The brochure I got made it seem like foam rolling was mostly for stretching and posture, but avoiding rocks, trees, and one unsupervised baby while rolling down this hill has really strengthened my core. I’m also getting a lot of protein, because I can only eat the bugs I roll over. I haven’t had water since I went over that puddle, but there’s enough dampness in my shirt to sustain me if I suck on it.

Did you know you can get frostbite from foam rolling? I didn’t! Before you start foam rolling, check the weather for the next few weeks to years. If it’s gonna dip below 20 degrees in the foreseeable future, don’t foam roll, or you might lose your foot. I dropped my foot off about 30 miles behind me, and I don’t know if we will ever reunite. But that’s just par for the course when it comes to foam rolling!

Foam rolling isn’t just a workout—it’s a lifestyle. This fern I rolled over last week is my husband now. Sometimes there’s tension between us, but we make it work. Using a foam roller is all about making difficult circumstances work, like bad posture or literally falling down a hill and being unable to stop. I hope my kids are doing okay.

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