How To Tell Your Servants You’ll Be Sharing A Grave
Managing domestic staff is never easy. Sure, they’re employees, but they’re also a part of the family. That’s why it hurts having pointed or painful conversations with them. Whether you’re letting a maid go, cutting back hours on a beloved driver, or informing the whole team you’ll be sharing a grave and bringing them with you to the afterlife, it’s hard to stay professional when delivering tough news. But if you’re planning on having your servants buried with you like the Pharaohs of old, there are a few easy tips for softening the blow. No one wants to be entombed with their employers for all eternity, but that doesn’t mean it has to be awkward.
The last thing you want to do is flub your way through this important conversation, so have the details sorted out before you approach the team. You ARE going to be buried with your worldly possessions, and that DOES include them. The fact of the matter is, you’re going to need your team in the afterlife, and that’s flattering! Now, the nanny may be wondering why she got included even though your kids will presumably still be very much alive. The answer is you accidentally wrote her name on the list. Look, mistakes happen, and she’s just going to have to live with it. Well, not “live,” but you get the idea.
No Joking Around!
While you’ve always had a good rapport with the staff, this is not an ideal time for goofs or gags. Remember, you’ve just informed them they’re going to be murdered, and murdered without a raise to boot. Some of these folks were probably looking forward to a new gig, or a chance to retire. Now they’re going to be buried (alive?) in a tomb built behind the pool house. So forgive them if they’re not in the mood to laugh—even if you’re offering some pretty incredible job security.
Don’t Beat Around The Bush
Frankly, they shouldn’t be all that surprised. Heck, didn’t most of them get hired to replace the servants sharing a grave with your PawPaw? So come out with it, and don’t let them play dumb. You’re not the first to take your team to the beyond. Many mighty rulers have brought their worldly domain along with them to the Land of Two Fields. You’re just the first to do it in Connecticut.
Let Them Speak Their Minds
This should be an honest discourse. How excited are they on a scale of one to 10? Does anyone have any questions or concerns? By giving them a voice, you’re making them feel a part of this decision. They’re not, but it’s noble of you to make them feel that way.
This isn’t some fanciful whim. You’ve thought this through and decided sharing a grave is what’s best for everyone. It’s basically just like moving to a new city, except everyone will be dead. Obviously, you considered bringing tiny carved figurines (called ushabti or shabti) in your staff’s place, but those are hard to carve, and you’ve been really busy planning your annual Pink Party in the Hamptons. So the real staff it is. Along with your Tesla and that technician from the Tesla dealership, Tony something. See? This is going to be fun.
Now, Murder Them
Whether you’re spiking their meals with cyanide, or just bonking them on the head with a heavy bust, the time has come. Make sure they have their Swiffer Sweepers, bread makers, and hot tub skimmers, because those will not be provided in the afterlife.
Now, take a deep breath, and remember: They belonged to you on Earth, so shall it be in Heaven. Oh, and have someone bring your wireless router, because Wi-Fi up there is apparently crap.
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