The Beginner’s Guide To Faking Your Own Death
So, you need to fake your own death. Be it gambling debt, trouble with Yakuza, or everyday boredom, I understand. We’ve all been there, buddy, but faking your death in today’s age of unparalleled surveillance and information is much harder than it was 20 years ago. It’s a good thing you’ve got an expert to lead the way.
There are thousands of ways to try to fake your death, but there are only four ways that actually work. Two of them involve murder, so if that’s not your bag, you might want to skip to the third one.
The first thing you are going to need is a body. This has to be someone with a similar genetic makeup as you, as death can only hide so much. They can’t have any scars or tattoos that you don’t have, they can’t have anyone who checks up on them, and they can’t have been arrested for anything. This is the hardest part of your whole quest to fake die.
There are several ways that a Medical Examiner identifies a body, and you are going to need to fool each of them. Fingerprints and DNA are often the easiest way to identify a body. After that, they are going to look up medical and dental records. This means pacemakers, surgical scars, abnormal genitalia, whatever identifies you. After that comes body modification. Do you have piercings or tattoos? Does this body? Each of these is an essential factor to consider when selecting someone to die for you.
If you have complicated tattoos, this method might not be for you (unless you are an expert tattoo artist, in which case HMU first). But be warned: By bringing someone else into your scheme, you are increasing your chance of failure. Now you have a tattoo artist who remembers you bringing this guy in to match your sick tribal koi, or whatever you got when you were 19. It just needlessly complicates things, so avoid it at all costs.
METHOD ONE: Die in a Fire
Now that you have abducted your body let’s get to work. Fires happen every day, and sometimes people die. It’s unfortunate for them, but great for you. You’ll need to establish a timeline with anyone from your old life, without raising suspicion. Simple stuff like posting on your social media about having diarrhea, so you’ll be staying in tonight. Try to stay away from being too clever. Don’t say something like “Gonna watch Final Destination on Netflix” because that’s too meta, and also nobody is going to watch Final Destination on purpose.
Now here’s the tricky part: You need to burn your body double alive. Not only that, but the fire needs to spread naturally, and no accelerant can be used, unless it has a reason to be there. The fire/arson investigator will catch that immediately. You can’t kill your body double first because the smoke inhalation wouldn’t happen. So, how do you get someone to die in a fire without trying to escape? You could break their legs, but it’d have to look like an accident, and now that’s something else to worry about. You can’t tie them down or drug them because that would show in the post-mortem.
My suggestion: become a hoarder. This pushes back your timeline, so I know it’s not an option for everyone, but it becomes incredibly helpful. For at least six months, collect newspapers, magazines, anything that burns quickly. Make sure you have some old oil soaked rags around as well, maybe next to the piles of batteries and empty booze containers. You’ll want to make sure the piles of filth block most entrances and exits, making it harder for first responders to respond. Another thing you’ll want is a lot of steel wool. I’ll explain why in a second.
Now that you have your accelerants and impediments in place, we can get your body double ready. Get them nice and comfy on the couch and fill them with booze. You want your victim… er… body double blackout drunk for this, not only because it is vital in establishing a cause of death, but because it is more humane. Once your double is passed out, and everything is blocked, knock over some 9-volt batteries onto the steel wool. Make sure the steel wool is near flammable things as it’s about to get very hot.
Make your escape into the night and never look back. I don’t suggest this method because there are far too many variables to consider. Every single thing has to go right, or you are royally fucked. Not only that, but the victim might still be identified as someone that isn’t you, and now you are wanted for kidnapping, false imprisonment, arson, and murder. Way to go, champ.
METHOD TWO: Industrial Accident
Again, we are going to need your body double for this. If you don’t have time to make one at home, store bought is fine. This method is similar to the fire but needs more specialized equipment. I only suggest this approach if you already work near industrial equipment, and it isn’t out of character for you to work alone.
Machines are relentless killing… machines. They are super helpful in automating our lives, don’t get me wrong, but they will also efficiently kill you without remorse.
You’ll need access to a smashing machine, a grinding machine, or any other sort of machine that can render a body unidentifiable. The goal here is to mutilate the body enough that there aren’t any usable parts left to identify you. The teeth are ground, the fingertips split and separated, bones and organs smashed. The only thing that should be found are parts of your wallet/work ID/name tag.
Same as with the fire, you are going to need to set up a logical timeline. Why are you there by yourself, how did the accident happen, do they still have to pay you? These are the critical questions for everyone to ask.
As always, we are going to use a drinking problem to cover up any holes in our story. You’ll need to establish a pattern of alcohol abuse leading up to your death. Frequently post on Instagram from shitty bars in the area, right after or before work. Get written up for working while buzzed about a week or two before you fake your death. The night of, post something about how you were at a rager and got called into work to check something. Whatever makes sense in your line of work.
Get the body ready by getting them blackout drunk, and dress them in your clothes with your identification. Do what you have to do to get them in the machine and don’t forget to take out any surveillance that might be in the building for that night.
Best case scenario, everyone thinks it was an accident or a suicide. Do not leave a note though. I know you’ve seen it in the movies, but in my experience suicide victims rarely leave a note. You want this accident to get swept under as quickly as possible. The company doesn’t want it out and will ask the police to do a quick investigation. Writing a note complicates all of that.
Drawbacks to this are similar to the fire. Lots of little threads with the body, you’ve got surveillance everywhere, you need access to heavy machinery, plus you have to kill someone. I wouldn’t suggest you do this one unless you really have to.
METHOD THREE: Lost at Sea
Now, this is my favorite one because you don’t have to kill anybody, and you get to learn a new skill!
First, you need to learn how to SCUBA. However, you need to learn covertly. What I suggest is learning from someone on Craigslist, and showing up with your wetsuit hood and goggles already on. The dude instructing you will just think you are some weird dipshit, but you are paying them enough that they don’t care. Once you learn how to SCUBA, you need to plan your location.
I suggest a pier or a jetty, hopefully in a visible spot with people around. Get familiar with the underwater terrain in the area by diving frequently. Do not join any sort of dive clubs, do not socialize with divers or surfers, and do not buy any dive equipment with your credit cards. You don’t want anyone to know you know how to dive or SCUBA. If possible, play it up that you never even learned how to swim.
Once you have your spot picked out, and you are comfortable with the layout you need to get a SeaBob or SeaScooter like device. Yeah, the SeaBob is like $30,000, but it goes 12MPH. The SeaScooter is like $300, but it only goes 2MPH. Plus you are faking your own death anyway. Pull out a loan, it’s not like you need to pay it back.
Now, you are going to need to learn how to get comfortable diving in cold water. It’s quite a shock if you aren’t used to it, so start by taking cold showers, and then try some night swimming. Once you are okay swimming in the cold for about an hour, you are almost ready to fake your death. Last, you need to plan your exit. Your tank should hold about 45 minutes of air, so start looking at exit points 30 minutes north or south of where you are. If you have the SeaBob, you can search 6 miles north or south. If you have the SeaScooter, you are only looking at around a mile or so, which in some places is still the same beach. You’ll want to find a little cove or something that people don’t frequently visit. Once you have your exit, it’s time to fake your death.
The day of, you’ll need to dive down to your location and stash a tank and your getaway device. After that, you’ll need to visit your exit location and stash some towels and warm clothes.
That night, hang out with some associates and let them see you get drunk. Try not to actually be drunk, but play it up. Steer the conversation and activities towards showing off how cool you are by climbing on things. Climb on the jetty or pier and show off your slick skills before accidentally falling into the water. Once you are in the water, immediately dive down to your tank and getaway device and start heading towards your exit point. A few hundred feet away, take off your pants with your wallet and phone still inside. Take off your underwear (if you wore it for some reason) and then after a few thousand feet, take off your shirt. You want these to be found by the expert divers that are going to come out in an hour or so.
When you get to your exit point, do not walk onto the sand. Roll out of the water till you are in soft sand. If you walk, you will leave footprints, if you roll it doesn’t look like anything. Wipe off your sand, dry off, put on your warm clothes and start your new life.
What I like about this method is the lack of murder. You want to fake your death, that’s fine, but is it worth killing someone? The downside to this is there is a lot of planning and work involved, but again, you are faking your own death. What do you expect, you just give a guy some money and go on your way?
METHOD FOUR: Bribe a Medical Examiner
This is probably the easiest way to fake your death. Move to some small town and make friends with the medical examiner, so you know if they are cool with bribes. Pay them some money and explain your situation, and let them know it’d be really cool if they could just file your death certificate. Heck, they might even hook you up with someone else’s information. They won’t need it because they are actually dead! This method is easy but comes with a lot of risks. Now you have the tools needed to start a new life, so go out there and get it!
NEXT STEPS: Establishing Your New Identity
Once you fake your own death, you are going to need to establish a new identity for your new life, and actually, that’s pretty simple.
[Per the advice of BunnyEars.com lawyers, this section has been redacted.]
And that’s all there is to it! After that, find some easy cash jobs you don’t have to report on taxes, like writing dodgy how-to guides on the internet or something, and you’ll be living easy.