The Beginner’s Guide to Trapping Exotic Animals

Keeping a private menagerie stocked with rare exotic animals is the latest Hollywood lifestyle trend, so we figured it was time to address the giant endangered elephant in the room. Celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow and Donald Sutherland can’t stop squawking about how much positive energy flows through a 4,000 square foot open floor plan when you have a Galapagos Tortoise locked in a labyrinth of glass on your property. Bruce Willis converted the bottom floor of his Malibu homestead into a saltwater aquarium so he could ride a pod of bottlenose dolphins to his fabulous floating breakfast nook every morning, and reports suggest that his hair is growing back. Jeff Bridges defeats his clouded leopard Kufu in Monopoly every night before he goes to sleep, and he has begun aging in reverse. Clearly, the benefits of imprisoning decorative animals can no longer be ignored.

“Sure,” you’re probably saying. “I can get thousands of pounds of crystal here this afternoon and have a completed menagerie by next weekend, but where am I going to get these fabulous animals?” That’s a fair question, so we decided to whip together a helpful guide on the easiest, most effective ways to trap high-quality exotic creatures that will dazzle your party guests and improve your quality of life, if not grant you the power of flight outright.

To Trap A White Bengal Tiger

White Bengal Tigers are a popular menagerie addition, because their minimalistic color palette blends in perfectly with the current trends in interior design, and because of their rumored ability to predict the future. The simplest way to trap a White Bengal Tiger is to travel to an area where the tiger is naturally found, such as a zoo or a photo shoot for a vodka ad and set up a flatscreen 4K television displaying reruns of Netflix’s The Ranch on a constant loop. The tiger will be drawn to Sam Elliott’s mustache, believing it to be a smaller Bengal Tiger. Then you spring out with an appropriate capture device, such as a net or a high-interest loan, and drag it back to your home to live forever in paradise.

To Trap An African Penguin

African Penguins can grant wishes, so their presence in your menagerie is an absolute must. The most inexpensive way to lure an African Penguin into your crystal prison is to don a tuxedo and a pair of tap shoes and start doing an elaborate dance. Decades of popular culture have taught us nothing if not the fact that penguins cannot resist tap routines. Once the beast is within easy limb range, lash out with your tap-shoed foot and plant a polished toe directly in the side of its penguin face. The other animals will accept that this was an honest accident and that their compatriot, in its enthusiasm, merely wandered too close just as you performed a skillful flourish. Make a show of carrying the downed penguin off to your personal physician to avoid making the rest of the birds suspicious. Of course, when the penguin comes to, it will find itself nestled safely within the transparent walls of your collection.

To Trap A Blue Whale

Blue Whales are the prize animals of any menagerie, renowned for their ability to clear even the most pockmarked and wrinkled complexion, and for their ability to travel through time. Unsurprisingly, trapping them can be a bit of a challenge. The most effective method is to construct a massive aquarium (which, quite frankly, you should have already been building if you’re thinking about trapping a whale) and paint the interior walls to look like the rest of the sea. If you’re a particularly skilled artist, you might even add a friendly fellow whale to heighten the subterfuge. Then simply lower the aquarium into the water and wait. Alternatively, if time is a factor, you can drain the ocean.

If you follow these easy steps, you will find yourself the proud owner of a spectacular menagerie, driving your friends insane with envious rage! Join us for our next installment, where we will discuss how to trap a red panda, a species that, if provoked, will tell you the exact date and circumstances of your death.