Tales From The Afterlife: I Can Stop My Heart Using Only My Will And A Truck Battery

Near death experiences are real, my children. I know this because I have died once a week for the last three years. I stop my heart using only my willpower as a skilled guru and also a 24-volt customized truck battery, with the following practice:

• Step One: Perform the Kurmasana pose in a shallow prayer pool.
• Step Two: Slowly exhale your negative internal aura.
• Step Three: Focus your oceanic chi into the center of your chest.
• Step Four: Insert truck battery.

I do not wish for you to attempt these steps, nor am I legally responsible for anyone who attempts it outside of my church-exclusive afterlife seminars, available at one of my many nature compounds and burial dump yards. I thought it was important to detail the process before taking you on a journey, one that explores my own experiences in the Other Side.

Not only is Jesus Christ real, but he must be stopped at all costs.

There are a few things to get out of the way about crossing over. Number one is that while I can stop my heart at any time in any place that also has a truck battery, I could only remain in that state for an average of five minutes before requiring resuscitation.

The second thing you should know is that while Christianity and popular culture portrays Jesus Christ as a white man, he was actually a horse. For obvious reasons, Big Church covered this fact up in conjunction with the medical community, replacing all imagery of the crucified equine with a fabrication. After a particularly lucid near death experience, I was able to create a rough rendering of what Jesus Christ actually looks like.

Here’s the third thing you need to know about the afterlife: Horse Jesus isn’t your friend and will stop at nothing to keep you out of paradise. Even if you’re like me and have devoted your entire life to enriching the spiritual wellness of society for a small operation fee as outlined in a very clear NDA contract, the afterlife is going to harp on you about all the little things you did wrong and claim that you’re “absolutely hell-bound.” That’s why, for the past year, I’ve been using all five minutes of my near death experiences to furiously work out. In full view of my deceased grandparents, I’ve been swoling my heavenly spirit enough to fight Jesus Christ.

My purgatorial soul can do 75 push ups a minute.

Based on my findings, here is what you can expect from your own near death experience:

1. You wake up in a white-walled room filled with all your deceased friends and family. THIS IS A TRICK. Jesus wants to keep you distracted long enough to not ask questions. Ignore your loved ones and immediately proceed to the exit.
2. Now that you’re out of the room, you’re gonna find yourself in a hallway filled with doors that have cherub faces on them. The faces are going to tell you a bunch of weird lies, like “you’re a fraud,” “stop using false faith to swindle the vulnerable,” and “you know that child died down there.” Simply ignore these faces by running as fast as you can down the hall. You want to find the 23rd door on the right.
3. Once you get to the 23rd door on the right, you’ll have to knock out the cherub on the front in order to get in. This can usually be achieved in a few swift blows with your fist; however, it might take more effort, depending on the strength of your soul. I can knock out a cherub using only my open palm.
4. At this point, it’s probably taken two or three minutes to get through the door. Once there, you’ll be immediately confronted by the horse form of Jesus Christ. The first thing he’ll do is chastise you for barging in, claiming that you were to wait in the first room until he arrives. Ignore this and rush straight for the far door on the left, which is his personal bathroom. Locking yourself in here will give you time to prepare your fight with Jesus Christ.
5. There are many items in Jesus’s personal bathroom you can use to bludgeon him.

May your soul become a pumped tree of vein and muscle,

“Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts Leader Of The Church Of False-Vestigially