Wedding Menus That Say ‘I’m Rich And No One Will Tell Me No’
People say your wedding day is “your day,” but the fact of the matter is that it’s not all about you. You have your guests to consider—how to entertain them, how to honor them, and most importantly, how to feed them. Luckily, you are rich, and your wedding will be spectacular in every sense of the word. You’ll have an ice swan, rare African violets, a horse and buggy replica modeled after the one in Cinderella, and Ed Sheeran himself to play your first song. But that doesn’t leave much time for planning the menu … and that’s okay! Just take a page from our gal, Gwynnie, and provide a wedding meal that says “I’m so wealthy, no one would dare pull me aside and tell me I’m being kind of a dick.”
Dig Up Your Garden
Hire a guy to drive an excavator to your house and just take a big chunk out of your organic vegetable garden. You’ve been meaning to revamp it for ages anyway. He can do this the literal day of the wedding, drive it straight to your reception hall, and unload it onto the buffet table—dirt and roots and all. You can pass this off as “rustic” because you are so very wealthy. The best part of this menu is that it’s naturally vegan and gluten-free, so all of your guests can be equally disappointed in the spread while admitting to themselves that Ed Sheeran more than makes up for it.
Serve The Contents Of Your Compost Bucket
Hell, it’s not like you need it for your garden anymore. Why waste those scraps of food that aren’t even fit for your prize chihuahua when there are hungry wedding guests who will no doubt remain hungry? Not only is this zero-cost option far more financially responsible (which sounds trendy), but it’s environmentally responsible, too. You’re recycling—directly through your guests’ bodies. And we are talking direct—when was the last time you emptied that thing? There’s definitely gonna be a line for the Jordan almond–scented bathrooms, but your guests will be so impressed by the rosewater-filled toilets that they’ll hardly remember shitting their guts out into them.
Just Scrape The Bottom Of Your Sink
All that gunk that’s built up inside, around, and under your sink is technically food. At least, it used to be. After your maid and chef figure out whose job it will be to complete this task, you can tell everyone that it’s the newest trend in fine dining: homeopathic food. Since it’s the mere ghost of dairy-free fettuccine alfredo and coq au vin past, it contains none of the calories while retaining all of the taste. If anything, the flavors have intensified from months of idle rotting. (Note: Figure out whether to scold or thank your maid later for letting things get to this point.) Your guests will be so grateful that you’ve considered both their palates and their waistlines that you won’t hear a single one of them mutter about what an asshole you are. At least not regarding the food.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…