How to Disguise Your Alcoholism As a Cute Personal Quirk
So your dependence on alcohol is getting out of hand, and people are starting to get worried. It started small, with a nightly six-pack of locally brewed small-batch IPA or an ironic box of wine, but now you’d lick a hobo just to inhale the fumes of Wild Turkey emanating from his pores. That’s troubling to your friends and loved ones, and even worse, decidedly not on-brand. Listen, it’s not your fault: With all those cute wine bars opening up in the neighborhood and so many adorable artisan moonshines to try, who isn’t teetering on the edge of rock bottom? Okay, a lot of people, but still.
You need to get those busybodies off your back, and you need to do it in style. Here’s how to make people think you’re just a party dude or dudette with an addiction to fun instead of an increasingly desperate addiction to alcohol.
Start Making Your Own Beer or Wine
It’s not an addiction, it’s a hobby! No one has to know that you’re drinking the fruit (or yeast) of your labor faster than you can make it, hovering shakily and sweatily over each batch, willing it to ferment before you pass out. All they need to know is that you’re a super hip master craftsperson. If they don’t seem convinced, offer them a bottle. (But just one. Horde that precious liquid like your life depends on it, because it does.) If that seems like too much work, or you can’t stand up for that long, at least get into craft beer or wine. A Bud drinker has a problem, but a snob has a passion.
Cultivate a Forgetful, Clutzy Personality
No matter how fashionable the contents of your stomach are, they will still make you black out and fall up the stairs, so it’s time to get adorkable! Even when you’re maintaining, try to knock things over, or drop things, or slur your words. If you do it the other 20% of the time, too, it won’t seem weird when you’re secretly wasted. Besides, everyone loves a clutz! Actresses have made entire careers on this, so just be sufficiently attractive and it’ll all work out. Start acting like you have the memory of a goldfish, too. Ask people to repeat their names, flake out on plans, and constantly look for your car keys. You’re probably already doing this anyway, and nobody will be surprised that you can’t remember last night when you can’t even remember their birthdays. (Children, right? So unreasonable.)
Merch, Merch, Merch
Personalities are like trees falling in the forest: If you don’t have a bunch of cute gear to loudly announce it, do you really have one? Get out in front of those accusations and rebrand with tote bags printed with “Wine is cheaper than therapy” and mugs that say “This might be vodka.” That way, no one can get mad when the mug you drink from at work really is full of vodka. You’re just living your truth! Or at least the mug’s truth. It’s all the mug’s fault.
Frame Your Cries For Help As Jokes
If modern stand-up comedy has proven anything, it’s that insisting it was a joke is a foolproof method of deflecting criticism. When the darkness really takes over, get on your Twitter or Insta and laugh out that despair.
A few examples to get you going:
“Had a little too much last night, hope I didn’t make any life-altering mistakes! Lol!”
“Has anyone seen my dignity? Better check and make sure it’s not at the bottom of a barrel of whiskey!”
“They tried to make me go to rehab and I said ‘Maybe? Seriously maybe I should.’”
Amanda is the funniest. FO SHO
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