For centuries, man has searched for the answer to eternal youth (not including converting to Vampirism, which is way more trouble than it’s worth). And now some Croatian Pilates instructor has found it!
Apparently the key to defying the natural aging process is none other than a coveted culinary sensation that took the ‘90s by storm. That’s right: Kid Cuisine.
Like the boundary-pushing trendsetter that I am, I decided to test the theory out for myself by exclusively eating Kid Cuisine for a week. These were my findings…
I admit it: At first I was a skeptic, but that certainly didn’t stop me from shoving chocolate pudding, rainbow star-shaped sprinkles, macaroni and cheese, corn, and chicken nuggets (in that order) into my mouth. I was probably two Kid Cuisines deep by the time I started feeling the effects. I’m telling you, I was pretty much the manifestation of Daft Punk’s “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger.”
The restorative powers of Kid Cuisine are no joke. My stamina is at an all-time high, my skin is glowing, and my mind is as sharp as a tack. I blew all of my coworkers away when we partook in the usual banter at the water cooler. I practically danced circles around them. They couldn’t keep up with me! I was unstoppable. Take that Ron from HR!
Needless to say, I didn’t sleep the first night of my Kid Cuisine diet. There was no need to! I had energy up the wazoo.
Every time I close my eyes, I’m struck by flashes of vivid memories that had been long forgotten. My middle school locker combination, square dancing routines from mandatory dance classes, and most importantly, my Club Penguin password from 2006.
Kid Cuisine is incredible! To maximize my results, I decided to replace my liquid intake with a Kid Cuisine shake that I blended myself.
What the H-E-double-hockey-sticks is going on around here?
Okay, so I shrunk a couple of inches…no worries though because I haven’t been this thin since 2009 and shopping at Gap Kids is definitely cheaper than regular Gap and honestly totes cute. Why did I ever stop wearing bedazzled T-shirts?
Well, today I forgot how to drive. So I had no choice but to ride my bike to work. Then I realized I also forgot how to ride a two-wheeler. So I had no choice but to bust out my old trike. I looked like an actual baby.
I’m not happy! I want my mommy!
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[Editor’s Note: For the purposes of this article the following has been translated via an early child development expert.]
It turns out that the Croatian, Kid Cuisine-consuming, Pilates instructor reverted back into a fetus as a result of eating too much Kid Cuisine. This means that I have to cut my experiment off before I end up like him. And thank gosh I am, because at this point I’m about three and a half years old—at most.
Now I have to find an adult to buy me some Hungry-Man TV Dinners to reverse the effects of the Kid Cuisine. Obviously, I can’t go to a grocery store and buy it for myself. I mean, a three-year-old grocery shopping alone? I don’t think so.
Like Icarus, I was overzealous, flew too close to the sun, and got incinerated. Who knew that the contents of a blue cardboard box with an anthropomorphic cartoon penguin wearing red sneakers would hold the fountain of youth?
Meanwhile, I press onward, innovating new diets and recipes to report on in my journey to reaching the status of a lifestyle god.