Shower Sex Positions That Only Work If Your Turn-On Is Waterboarding
Most of the time, shower sex leaves you choking on water, gasping for air, sure you are about to drown. You might beg your partner to stop pushing your head underneath the shower stream, which turns into indecipherable gurgles, muffled by water you end up spewing out when your pseudo-drowning is over. But this isn’t a reason to avoid shower sex. In fact, you can use it to your advantage during intercourse, especially if you’re turned on by waterboarding.
Waterboarding is an enhanced interrogation technique, but that doesn’t mean you can’t, or shouldn’t, incorporate it into your lovemaking if you’re into that sort of thing. No judgement here. Try one of these enhanced sexual positions the next time you’re in the shower and want to get your rocks off by doing something that has (?) been outlawed.
The Guantanamo Bae
This position is ideal for a cramped shower, which is pretty much every shower when there’s two people in there. Lean your head back so your face is drenched by the water from the shower head for approximately 15 seconds at a time. Any longer than that and you’ll start making false confessions to get it to stop. That’s more embarrassing than making a weird sex face!
The Splash Zone
Sometimes, you get off on being waterboarded; sometimes, you get off on waterboarding other people. Do whatever floats your boat and/or makes someone feel like they’ve fallen off the boat to be swallowed by the sea. As you wrap your leg around your partner, gently move their face underneath the running water. According to the law, it doesn’t constitute an act of torture, so you’re completely in the clear on this.
The Bush Administration
Bringing a blindfold into the bedroom is already a normal not-normal sex thing, so why not cover your partner’s eyes just like they do in real enhanced interrogations? Put a washcloth over your face, your partner’s faces, or both of your faces, if you’re so inclined. Your bathroom mirror won’t be the only thing that’s steamy!
The Intercourse Inquisition
As the water falls on your face, you can either spit or swallow. You’ll probably end up swallowing it. A lot of it. Too much of it. So much that you wish it would stop. It won’t. It’s relentless. Torturous. To the point where you can’t tell if you fear death or you welcome it. But that’s the point. There’s no bigger turn-on than having your life flash before your eyes while you worry your death has come too soon.
The Coitus Confession
It’s not the point of shower sex, but you can definitely extract information from your partner while you’re doing the nasty. If you get a whole bunch of water up their nose, they’ll scream out your name and the location of Al Qaeda operatives in Afghanistan. What’s sexier than that? Remember, your sex life doesn’t need to follow the Geneva Convention, so just have fun with it!