What Bunny Ears Writers Are Wishing For This Valentine’s Day

The ComPAPion Mask, The CPAP Mask For Couples, $2,499

“My wife and I both have sleep apnea, so we’ve been eyeing this mask that reduces the risk of sudden stroke but maintains our intimacy in the bedroom. Two people, one CPAP mask. Face to face. We’ll drift off to sleep staring into each other’s eyes as our lungs are machine-pumped with air so we don’t choke on our own throat meat in our sleep. I can’t think of anything more romantic than that.”

1. Butt glitter. I’ll know if it’s regular glitter, so don’t try it. I need butt glitter.

2. Love that is real and not based on the other person’s perception of a “cool girl” based on semi-independent movies.

3. Butt sequins. I’ll know if they’re regular sequins.

Kamikaze Beauty Butt Glitter, $840

Renaming the hissing cockroach, a nine-figure donation to the Smithsonian

“Rename the hissing cockroach after me. Maybe the weak at heart are satisfied with domesticity and sweet nothings, but true love is about establishing a dynasty in my name. These cockroaches are going to outlast any diamond, every impending apocalypse, probably all sappy poetry, and certainly your stupid mortal affections. This is how I live forever.”

“Last year, my husband and I bought a private island off the coast of Belize.  It gets lonely, though, so after reading about that Sentinelese tribe in India, I asked hubby to please buy me an indigenous tribe for Valentine’s Day.  I’m expecting his call from somewhere in Central America any day now. Excited!”

Dream Makers’s Owning People Package, $11,350 per day

The experience of owning a boat, $3.5 million per year

“I always say ‘Give the gift of experience’ because possessions weigh you down, but experiences lift you up. That’s why I’d love the experience of someone buying me a boat. Going into the office and seeing them hand over a large check. The salesman winking at me like we got away with something. I’d love to be handed the keys and then see my boat transported down to the dock, where we’d break a bottle of champagne and then hit the water, motoring past all the assholes who claimed I was never smart enough or good enough to buy a boat.”

“A horse, ah, but not just any horse. As a boy, I befriended a wild stallion that I dubbed Ulysses after a book that I never bothered to read. I stalked Ulysses by night, using only the Moon to light my way. I don’t use the term “bonded” lightly or correctly, but we became one being over those many nights alone in the woods, me taking on the equine qualities of speed, agility, and endurance, and Ulysses adopting my penchant for correcting people’s vocabulary. He disappeared one night behind a Wal-Mart next to my condo, but I never forgot him, and I carry his spirit within me still. So, someone get me that horse.”

Ulysses The Horse, $?

Creativity Doula, $1,250 with sarcasm, $1,850 without

“I’m looking for a private creativity doula. Sometimes, I get the urge to write at 2:00 A.M., and I’ll need her to be there to see my ideas through from gestation to birth, so she needs to be willing to make house calls at any and all hours of the night. Foot massage and panini skills are a plus.”

“Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Surprise.

Surprise who?

Surprise vagina.”

Vagina, priceless