#Getaway: The New Vacation Everyone Needs To Take

Let’s face it: in 2018, what even is a great vacation anymore? Destination trips are filled with unpleasant surprises, from last second price hikes, children being eaten by alligators, and fucking sand. Likewise, it’s increasingly difficult to find the time, what with more and more millennials taking gigs and second jobs just for the opportunity to live, let alone travel and do cool stuff. Lastly, barring all other options, why not just stay the fuck home, where you have endless digital content, food delivery, and booze that you can drink without getting arrested?

Well, guess what? That first question was a trick because vacations can still be a thing, even for those accustomed to the cheap and the convenient. I’m not talking about settling for roller coasters or a spa day; I’m talking about a full-fledged holiday for some critical R&R. I can even prove it, as I had my own #Getaway recently, and if you follow my easy, four-step guide, you too can experience a vacation that’s totally outside the box.

Step #1: Live in a Box

Your first step is to sell all of your earthly possessions, use all of your money to pay off whatever debt you can, and buy a box to call your new home. Eventually, you’ll be known as the community hobo, sleeping on public transportation while panhandling for basic necessities. Now, your living situation will not exactly be “ideal,” but once you’ve built up a reputation, that’s where your #Getaway gets Gaga.

Step #2: You will be Kidnapped

It’s a fact: people love kidnapping homeless people. You’ll be walking down the sidewalk, eating old meat that you found simmering inside an old shoe when a van will undoubtedly pull up alongside you, slam a black bag over your head, and take you towards the next step of your journey. At this point, they may beat you up a bit, or maybe pour something you hope to be water over your face and eyes, but hey, who said riding cheap was any fun?

Step #3: Be Thankful for What They Haven’t Done Yet

A few hours later, you’ll arrive at your dreamy destination, which will likely be a remote farmhouse location upstate or perhaps a derelict property on a rocky mountaintop. Take in the landscape and soak in the fresh, natural air; chances are you won’t be seeing it for a while. At this point, you’ll be dragged into a shack, cellar, or maybe even a barn(!!!), where you’ll be fastened to a chair as your captors begin setting up some kind of amateur film set. This is where it gets exciting: they could whip your fingers with heavy, cold rags, or put burning hot metal against your flesh. They may even put a snake on you, which they can’t even do at the zoo! Sorry, Zoos; Ya basic!

Step #4: Look at the Mask. Look at it. LOOK AT IT.

Now that several days have gone by and you can assume you’re the star of some twisted fucking webcam show for perverts and sadists on the dark web, things are honestly not that bad. Pain has become accepted as a part of your new reality, and the man in the creepy mask only grinds up against you a couple times a day. I’d love to describe to you what the mask looks like but trust me, a nightmare of that magnitude is far, far beyond words. If enough time has passed, try to figure out how long your thumbnails are, and if whittlin’ your hand-flesh could be a feasible escape option.

Step #5: Confronting The Crimson Rainbow

Have you figured out your escape plan yet? Good! GREAT! Now, just a head’s up: at a certain point, when the adrenaline wears off, your mind will descend into a state of shock and madness, sending you through a psychotropic experience in which the world appears to be a chamber made of misty, amorphic blood. As you frightfully claw your way through this hellscape, which I’ve come to known as “The Crimson Rainbow,” it’s important that you trust no one. Also, think Jack Reacher, and never go back.

Step #6: Home, Sweet, Home

Now that you’ve faced cruelty without reservation and made it out the other side, your #Getaway is #complete! As you return home and attempt to repair your many lost relationships, it will slowly dawn on you that normal life is a complete and utter foreign concept at this point, so now, every day is a #Getaway! Isn’t that what you wanted? Isn’t #Getaway what you always wanted? Listen to me. NO. LOOK AT ME. ISN’T THIS WHAT YOU ALWAYS FUCKING WANTED?… well, good. Good. Good…