bunnyears

…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…

Protect Our Nation’s Forests So I Have A Place to Play Pretend Witch

Thirty percent of the world’s area is covered in forest, yet miles and miles of trees are bulldozed every year to accommodate the agriculture industry, housing developments, and our favorite stationary products from Paper Source. Ugh, guilty! Their stuff is so cute! But not only does this destruction ruin natural animal habitats and increase the fast-growing negative effects of climate change, it also means that gaggles of girl squads are running out of space to hold their coven rituals and boss babe meetings. If that doesn’t make you stop and think, I don’t know what will!

Back in the day, witches had no choice but to meet in forests because that’s what most of the United States was. Oh, to be a queen witch in those days! Being burned on the stake wouldn’t have even bothered me because I would literally be as on fire as I feel. But then America manifested its destiny and built cities and stuff. Suddenly, forests became a place where your off-the-grid uncle liked to camp before it was trendy or the ideal location to dump a dead body.

Instead of honoring Mother Gaia and the strong tree gifts she’s blessed us with, we now look at forests as obstacles to achieving the American dream of putting every inch of land within a two-block radius of a Starbucks. That’s why modern women have turned to witchcraft as a way of coping with the toxic patriarchy, using the woodland atmosphere as not only a serene environment to hold rituals they found on Tumblr but also a prime location to hide from the male gaze.

Today, our national parks are looking at a higher risk of vanishing than my HPV, thanks to our government’s old white men yet again claiming ownership of a moist and dark unknown world they’re too afraid to venture into themselves. Not only does this mean orphaned squirrels and deer will fill our country’s already-packed foster homes for cute animals, but the women who are just now learning about their inner goddess will no longer have a place to practice their rituals.

Take it from Gwen Thistle, who owns a crystals store in upstate New York. When the construction of a nearby parking lot wiped out the trees that imbued her storefront with the perfect combination of shade and light, Gwen had to drive 10 minutes out of the way to even find a location decent enough to take photos for her online store.

“When you’re selling things like sage and purification candles, the setting is everything,” said Thistle. “Consumers want to feel like they’re buying something straight from the goddess herself. Did I say ‘consumers’? I mean ‘witches.’ They’re real witches—I think all women are magical witches. Please don’t mention that in your article.”

So, what next? Will witches eventually have to move their practices indoors, irritating their unenlightened roommates and setting off enough fire alarms to risk eviction? When will this insanely self-centered culture come to its senses and think of those of us who tell our manicurists to give us black stiletto nails and constantly reference Hocus Pocus?

So, please. Save our forests. Referring to my friend group as my coven is all I have anymore.

Images: Pexels, Pixabay, Pixabay

You Might Also Like

How To Be A ‘Cool Aunt’ Just To Get Revenge On Your Sibling

Revenge on your sibling should fuel most of your life decisions.

Read More

Forgiveness: My Husband Won’t Let me Throw A Birthday Party For My Dog

I am strong, and I can forgive. Just like Ghandi.

Read More

Panic Healing: A New Healing Method We Invented Via Typo

It’s a lot like pranic healing, but with more panic.

Read More
No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Stalk Us

Video of the Week

We’re Back, Baby! Take THAT, Sawa!