Simple Tricks To Make Their Funeral All About You
Nothing is more devastating than the death a loved one. Sadly, in the chaos of funeral arrangements and burial plots, feuding families and out of town friends, the important things can get left by the wayside. That’s why, when someone you care about dies, it’s vital to keep the focus on what really matters: you. Every second someone spends mourning the deceased is time they’re not dwelling on your bullshit, so get ready to put on a show, because—much like your relationship with the dearly departed—this funeral deserves to be all about your issues.
They say mourning isn’t a competition, but that’s because they’ve never won. When someone you loved passes on, you naturally feel gutted, but what’s important is letting everyone else know you feel that way. Crying, screaming, and a full-on fainting spell are a start. All of it reminds people that you’re still here and have a boatload of issues beyond this dead body. So curse God (or just curse loudly), speak in tongues, or let out a wail so long the service has to be cut short. All of it lets the bereaved know this hurts you more than them.
Make Shit Up
Rumors fly at funerals, at least the ones we attend, so why not be the center of the storm? Did you have an affair with the deceased? Maybe they were secretly gay? Could this have been a murder? You don’t know; you’re just asking questions. Why doesn’t anyone else want to get to the bottom of this? Lies are the lifeblood of a loss of life, and no fiction is too big. Remember, the only true fact-checker is about to be buried 6′ deep, so go big before you go home. Whether the mourners believe you or not, they sure as hell will know you came to play.
You know who gets attention? Drug addicts, that’s who. Real drugs, fake drugs—it almost doesn’t matter at this point. What does matter is making such a scene that their funeral becomes your intervention. Whether you try to score off the minister or offer some rando’s cousin coke on the casket, the more people are talking about your habit ruining the day, the less they’re concerned with whoever it is that just died.
The beauty of passing gas is that you can do it from your seat without making a whole scene out of it, so as the endless litany of best friends and beloved spouses blather on, let one rip. They may not know it’s you at first, but keep at it. Trust us, you’ll be the talk of the post-service coffee klatch, no matter how much good that dead dumbass did in his life.
This is your Hail Mary. The absolute last resort. People came to this funeral to grieve, not witness an awesome display of martial arts mastery. That just means they’ll be all the more surprised by it, so wait until the lamenting hits a lull and get karate kicking. Show this Presbyterian church what those classes at the mall were all about. Whether you present this as a tribute to the fallen or just claim the funeral’s surrounded by a gang of rouge street punks, giving the karate hard sell is guaranteed to keep those eyeballs where they belong: on you.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
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