Common Hair Mistakes You Didn’t Know You Were Making, You Ugly Silly Billy Vanilly
Hair is a fickle thing, but it defines us. You may think, “well everyone has it, so what’s the big deal? It’s just hair, right?” You, my friend, are wrong, Wrong, WRONG! After conducting in-depth research, we compiled a list of all the common hair mistakes you’re doing completely incorrectly, you silly billy vanilly.
First, you’ve all heard it’s not healthy to wash your hair every day. Experts say washing your hair on a regular basis breaks down the healthy fatty acids that reside deep in your hair follicles (that’s just science.) So when you wash your hair on a regular basis you are killing your hair. You hair is part of you, therefore, you are in part killing yourself. We don’t want to see you do this, crazy lady, so we’ve curated the perfect time to wash your hair: during every lunar eclipse! Yep, that’s right. We are saying wash your hair once every blue moon! They only come once every few years, so this is a great bench marker to make sure you are not RUINING your hair by over-washing, AND bonus you get to be conscious of mother moon in the process.
We have now settled on how often and when to wash your hair, but HOW should you wash it. Chances are you have been washing your hair the way most American’s were taught, by gently rubbing the shampoo and conditioner into your scalp and rinsing with water. BUT, as medical research has shown, this theory of wash, rinse, repeat has been not only bogus but HARMFUL Washing your hair with water that comes from your shower head can be very damaging to the hair fibers and particles of follicles. Our hair is an extension of our soul, therefore using shower water to wash your hair is a direct negative reflection on your soul. But don’t you worry, honey bunny, we’ve found an unreal company out of Telluride, Colorado that ships crystal blessed air water straight to your door twice a month for only $65k a month (I mean can you really put a price tag on your soul?). If you are unable to get on the waiting list for the blessed water (Goop recently ran an ad with them and it seems they have had heavy traffic since). You can also use the easy solution of filtering water from your local gully or marsh, just make sure you have it blessed by an enchanted warlock or Erykah Badu.
This next common hair mistake is one that almost every person in the world has made, using a towel to dry it. That’s right, if you’ve used a towel to dry your sopping wet mop of hair you’ve made a catastrophic mistake! Towels collect dirt, debris, and poop particles from the air. When you use a towel to dry your hair, you are basically using poop to dry your hair. Honestly, that’s really gross of you. But don’t worry, sweet darling dear, we have another solution. Stick your head out of the bus window as it drives for 34 blocks. The wind and constant stops will not only blow dry your hair, it’ll add volume! Don’t make the mistake of being cloaked in ignorance and drying your hair with a shit towel, conserve energy by letting the breeze of public transportation help you style your locks.
This final common hair mistake you are most likely making, is the most important. If for some reason you’re unable to abide by the above tips, which you should if you care about yourself, at least make this one a priority. You should, under no circumstance brush your hair. That’s right. Brushing your hair is pulling loose hair barrels out of the pore heads and drawing oils and dead skin to the ends. So basically when you brush your hair you’re ripping the most beautiful parts of yourself out of your body, violently. Angel face, I know you wouldn’t want to do that. Instead, we suggest that you think about and visualize brushing your hair while drinking a healthy tea laced with dirt from your front yard or chewing on a branch (see our article on “branch suckling for your health”) for more on branch suckling.
There you have it, sweet buttercup hun, you no longer have to live life trapped in a prison of ignorance you’ve created by making very horrible and uneducated hair mistakes. Follow these steps and your life will get better. It has to, you can only go up from here.