Ease Your White Guilt By Sending Me, A Black Guy, Money!
Like MLK, I too have a dream: that one day countless white-guilt ridden white people like yourselves will help a brotha out by sending me as much money as you can possibly donate (the estimated end figure—pooled from very credible data—would be about $76,000 via bank transfer or PayPal). Look, I get it. Money is tight nowadays and sometimes you really do need that third vacation condo, but black people exist, too, and I really need your money.
Why should you hand over your hard-earned/inherited cash to me, you ask? I thought you might. See below, white friends!
What Else Are You Going To Spend It On?
I understand your problems—you have bills to pay and mouths to feed—but have you ever thought about MY needs? I’ve been thinking about upgrading to 4K. Did you know that black people went centuries without the higher resolution? Where was our 4096 x 2160 pixels and a mule, man? Now is your chance to do something really good for the entire black community (that is, if you buy into the idea that black people are somehow one single, monolithic community and not a diverse spectrum of differing individuals, which I’m hoping you do). I promise you, you won’t even miss the cash once it’s deposited into my checking account.
It wasn’t that long ago, man. Do you think the Oscars would have given 12 Years as a Slave Best Picture if it was a black movie about anything other than black people being tortured? Shit was pretty bad, fam. I’m not saying you have to give up your Sea Island cotton bedspread, fancy Ethiopian coffee beans, okra, or anything else related to the legacy of slavery, but seeing a bank account with less than $76,000 in it every day is depressing, my dudes!
Be A Hero—Uplift A Community To Great Heights
Or… Just give me money, asshole.
You Spent $20 At Five Guys Last Week And Just Bought A Roku Today
Clearly, you’ve got money to spend, you just have the wrong priorities. What’s the difference between spending that extra $10 a week on an overrated burger and sending it to me, your black friend that you’ve just met today?
If You Don’t Send Me Money You’re A Racist Who Hates Black People
Would a not-racist say “No, I’m not going to send you my entire life’s savings just because I weep every time I watch The Color Purple.” No, they would not. Only a racist wouldn’t Western Union me $10,000 before my bank closes at 5 P.M. today. Only a racist wouldn’t buy me a 2018 Toyota Prius, the new iPhone X, and a hypoallergenic Shiba Inu, because racists (like you) don’t care about black needs—aka my needs. You know what to do to make things right. Change the course of history and send me Best Buy gift cards or something of equal value.
In conclusion, you could go around thinking you’re a good, Obama-voting, white citizen who has never goose-stepped in their life, but you’re pretty much a Nazi until you give me that cash. Why haven’t you sent me money yet? What kind of white person are you? Have you forgotten my bank routing number? Hurry up!
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…