bunnyears

… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….

Ease Your White Guilt By Sending Me, A Black Guy, Money!

white guilt

Like MLK, I too have a dream: that one day countless white-guilt ridden white people like yourselves will help a brotha out by sending me as much money as you can possibly donate (the estimated end figure—pooled from very credible data—would be about $76,000 via bank transfer or PayPal). Look, I get it. Money is tight nowadays and sometimes you really do need that third vacation condo, but black people exist, too, and I really need your money.

Why should you hand over your hard-earned/inherited cash to me, you ask? I thought you might. See below, white friends!

What Else Are You Going To Spend It On?

I understand your problems—you have bills to pay and mouths to feed—but have you ever thought about MY needs? I’ve been thinking about upgrading to 4K. Did you know that black people went centuries without the higher resolution? Where was our 4096 x 2160 pixels and a mule, man? Now is your chance to do something really good for the entire black community (that is, if you buy into the idea that black people are somehow one single, monolithic community and not a diverse spectrum of differing individuals, which I’m hoping you do). I promise you, you won’t even miss the cash once it’s deposited into my checking account.

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Remember Slavery?

It wasn’t that long ago, man. Do you think the Oscars would have given 12 Years as a Slave Best Picture if it was a black movie about anything other than black people being tortured? Shit was pretty bad, fam. I’m not saying you have to give up your Sea Island cotton bedspread, fancy Ethiopian coffee beans, okra, or anything else related to the legacy of slavery, but seeing a bank account with less than $76,000 in it every day is depressing, my dudes!

Be A Hero—Uplift A Community To Great Heights

Or… Just give me money, asshole.

You Spent $20 At Five Guys Last Week And Just Bought A Roku Today

Clearly, you’ve got money to spend, you just have the wrong priorities. What’s the difference between spending that extra $10 a week on an overrated burger and sending it to me, your black friend that you’ve just met today?

If You Don’t Send Me Money You’re A Racist Who Hates Black People

Would a not-racist say “No, I’m not going to send you my entire life’s savings just because I weep every time I watch The Color Purple.” No, they would not. Only a racist wouldn’t Western Union me $10,000 before my bank closes at 5 P.M. today. Only a racist wouldn’t buy me a 2018 Toyota Prius, the new iPhone X, and a hypoallergenic Shiba Inu, because racists (like you) don’t care about black needs—aka my needs. You know what to do to make things right. Change the course of history and send me Best Buy gift cards or something of equal value.

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In conclusion, you could go around thinking you’re a good, Obama-voting, white citizen who has never goose-stepped in their life, but you’re pretty much a Nazi until you give me that cash. Why haven’t you sent me money yet? What kind of white person are you? Have you forgotten my bank routing number? Hurry up!

Images: Pixabay, PixabayPexels

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2 Comments
  1. Wow dreams you have big as much as 76,000 dollars. I dream only 5000 dollars that will solve all my problems. But nobody will give me even them.

  2. As a privileged white racist, I would happily send you $76,000 if it wasn’t all tied up in my 1985 Iroc-Z restoration. Thanks for giving me a laugh this morning though!!!

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