Why We Don’t Vaccinate Our Children From My Homemade Plague

This is a very sensitive topic, and one I share with great trepidation. That said, after conducting my own research, consulting with my family, and really taking a good long look in the mirror, I can’t in good conscience vaccinate my children from the world ending super flu I’ve been tinkering with in my basement.

Frankly, our culture has tap danced around the dangers of vaccines for too long. That’s one of the many reasons I’m trying to kill everyone. Ask yourself honestly, as a parent, what the real danger is here? A virus I specifically designed to kill 90% of the population in the most puss-spewing, pants-shitting manner possible, or the untested vaccine for it? I think you know my answer.

The science just isn’t in on the vaccine’s possible side effects. I should know, I’ve only just begun testing it on random neighbors. Does it cause autism? No one’s shown me it doesn’t. Could it induce seizures, or give our girls respiratory infections? Well, I inoculated myself, and I haven’t exactly been feeling tip top. That might be because of the pressure I’m under. Trying to kill everyone is super stressful, guys. But it could be from the inoculation. That’s the point, we just don’t know!

Ovarian failure? Intussusception? Neuropraxia? Multiple Sclerosis? Those are all things, and I’m not willing to expose my beautiful girls to things on your say so. Not when we’re so close to creating our own Eden from the ashes of a dead world. Besides, no vaccine is 100% effective. I inoculated my brother, and his organs still liquefied the minute I gave him the disease as a joke. Why would I expose my girls to something like that?

Whatever your beliefs, my wife and I don’t deserve scorn for the personal medical choices we’ve made in regards to our world ending super flu. We’ve lost friends, family members, and multiple psychiatrists, all because we’ve chosen to wait until the science is in on this vaccine. And considering the only two people who have access to our artisanal Armageddon virus are my wife and I, the science could be awhile.

Just know, I take full responsibility for my choices, and I’m actively engaged in improving our girls’ immunity through natural methods. Both enjoyed naturopathic home births, and will be breastfed until they’re 10. My wife and I chew and spit nutrient-rich food into their mouths, and use healing crystals to ward off negative energies.

They also get lots of exercise running through drills with the friends in our militia, not to mention lots of fun! And we have an amazing pediatrician, who supports our medical choices, (and white nationalism, but that’s besides the point). All in all, we are a healthy, happy family who just happen to think for ourselves when it comes to vaccines, Bigfoot and the Jews.

And don’t worry, we keep our Death Bug under lock and key, like any responsible parent. Frankly, the only way our daughters could contract the disease is if they were in downtown Minneapolis on July 4th, or in an exponentially increasing radius over the following months and years. But we all know they’ll be safely in our bunker by then, watching the world quake at my wrath, and free from any unwanted vaccine side effects.

Now, I’m not telling you to skip vaccinating your own children, although it would be a big help when it comes to my plan. I’m just making a decision that I feel is best based on my own beliefs.

My hope in writing this article is to promote a real conversation, not just create more division. The fact of the matter is, we all have doubts. The simplistic notion that we’re all for or against inoculation needs to be eradicated, like the pestilence that is mankind.

My daughters are still young, and I may yet change my mind at some point. If we can prove that these vaccines are more powerful than their regular moon bathing, fecal shakes and Dymaxion sleep cycle, I’m open to evolve on the issue. I just hope you’re as willing to think for yourself, and have your mind changed. Otherwise, well, you know what I’ll do.

In a bid to create discourse, I invite you to share your thoughts, concerns and home addresses in the comments section below. As I’ve said, my wife and I are more than willing to entertain other points of view. But just do it quickly, so I can read them all before you’re dead.

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