We Demand The Immediate Release Of Next Summer’s Fashion Lines
There are times when good people must stand up for what is right—even when it comes at great personal risk. We will never let it be said that Bunny Ears is a publication afraid of taking a tough stance during moments that demand the best of us all. And so, we will use our considerable power and influence to demand that things be made right; we will decry the oppression and strife that we see laying this country to waste and officially demand the immediate release of next summer’s fashion lines.
No longer should good men and women live in fear of not looking fashionable during the summer season. For too long, regular citizens—the very backbone of America—have been forced to speculate about what sporty looks and fun trends would be in vogue over the coming beach season. Average people are scraping together their meager savings only to be shocked and disappointed as elitist taste-makers belatedly announce sandals and swimwear that fail to accommodate the existing wardrobes and hair styles of the common man.
What is the teacher, the baker, the janitor supposed to do in the face of such callousness? Pay an exorbitant fee for an emergency summer hair styling? Suffer the indignity of mismatching a cute new cami with yesteryear’s earrings? We think not. Thus, we demand the release of this information now in order to make it accessible to all—not just the wealthy “in the know” top 1% like ourselves.
Do not make the mistake of underestimating us, for this is not an idle threat. Bunny Ears has no qualms leveraging our considerable economic might against the great houses of fashion. Whether it be through leading widespread boycotts or disparaging the reputations of prominent designers, our wrath shall be swift and merciless. We will not hesitate to hit the pocketbooks and profiles of the pillars of haute couture until history is set right.
Will we suffer for our moral stand? Almost certainly. There will be mockery from out-of-touch elites. We’ll see anti-Bunny Ears propaganda and personality assassination as Big Fashion rushes to discredit our humble publication. We accept this. In fact, we welcome it.
The disdain and scorn to which we will be subjected is proof of the validity of our cause. Humanity wants advance knowledge of next year’s summer lines. And humanity deserves it. To continue down the current path is to kowtow to the gods of power and self-interest, whose goatskin boots rest heavily on the cravats of the everyman, who deny progress and equality because they feel entitled to lord over others. But they deserve no such power, and they must be reminded of this fact with as much force as is required.
We consider this issue among the greatest facing civilization today. Everyone should get the opportunity to feel flirty and fresh this summer—without tremendous personal sacrifice. If we can solve this crisis, we will have a healthier and more unified America, and we are proud to form the vanguard of this struggle. We will, of course, be posting about this on both Twitter and Instagram—no matter how long it takes. So do the right thing, fashion moguls. Give us advance knowledge of next summer’s fashion and remain on the right side of history.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…