The Only Summer Jam You Need Is Grapefruit Marmalade by Ella Gale
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…Murder Victim Speaks Out…
…Corks Found To Only Be Holding Things Back…
…RIP KOKO…
…City Announces Subway Being Rebranded As “Uber Metro”…
… Red and Yellow Is The New Black…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…BREAKING NEWS: Dumb Is Spelled With A ‘B’…
…Teeth Found To Be Tongue Prison…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
Cancer linked to death!
…Secret Ingredient To Sushi Discovered: FISH…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…Waldo still missing…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…Queen Kong???…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…Man Wakes Up From 10 Year Coma, Asks, “What’s Up With Lance Armstrong?”…
…Newest Gaming Trend: Personal Space…
…Snow Is Just Rain That Forgot To Melt…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…Hats are cool…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…Hillary Clinton Still Roaming The Woods…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…Trump Asks Media “What’s A Tariff?”…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Vacuums Suck…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…Supreme Court Rules: We Rule! …
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…God found dead in space…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…Police Discover Two Bodies In Witch’s Oven…
…Psychic Predicts World Already Over…

The Only Summer Jam You Need This Year Is Grapefruit Marmalade

summer jam

It’s summertime! And I don’t care how hot it is, sometimes I just want to dance…with joy after eating a big scoop of grapefruit marmalade. It’s a little bit sweet and incredibly bitter, just like my meemaw who taught me the recipe. This summer jam can be enjoyed in all your favorite summer spots.

POOLSIDE

Nothing feels better on a hot summer day than lounging by the pool in your cutest maillot. But it’s important to set the mood; we love to go retro by bringing out a boombox, setting it on a pool chair, and covering it with jars of delicious grapefruit marmalade. Your pool party guests will simply adore sampling everything from delicate, finely grated champagne peel marmalade to a robust citrus chunkfest. Playing Lizzo’s “Boys” would just distract your guests from fully enjoying your selection of delicious grapefruit marmalades! For an extra special touch, provide each of your guests with a personalized silver spoon for plunging straight into the marm jar.

And remember, marmalade’s not just for eating! Ditch the coconut oil and transform into a citrus queen by slathering your body in decadent marmalade. It’s the bees knees, and by that we mean that you will 100% be covered in bees. Also you will probably piss off whoever cleans your pool. Sorry, Marco! Beauty is pain. Your pain!

ON THE PORCH

A porch is the perfect place to enjoy the only summer jam you’ll ever need: grapefruit marmalade! Head outside at sunset to watch the fireflies. Grab a mason jar, fill it with iced tea, pour that iced tea out on the ground, and re-fill that mason jar with lip-smacking grapefruit marmalade. Sure, you might think a summer evening is the perfect time to enjoy Post Malone’s “Psycho” (featuring Ty Dolla $ign). But you’d be wrong! The only smooth chill sweetness you need is a dollop of refrigerated grapefruit marmalade on some vanilla ice cream. You can also use it in fly traps.

ROOFTOP PARTY

If you’re throwing the kind of breezy, sunset party that only happens in beer commercials, Drake’s “Nice For What” might seem like a good choice. But it’s not. The only thing you need to throw an absolute banger is grapefruit marmalade! Toast up a nice ancient grains bread, cut it into festive shapes, and serve it to your guests absolutely dripping with that ruby red mar-mar. Grapefruit marmalade is great paired with craft cocktails or just a spoon. If your guests want to dance, they can do it to the sounds of toast crunching and jam slurping. Pretty soon you’ll have your guests saying, “Wait, you don’t have ANYTHING to eat or drink other than jars full of grapefruit marmalade? This is weird, even for you.” MMMMMmmmmmalade!

SEX ON THE BEACH

It’s more than a drink, it’s also an uncomfortable physical experience. If you’re about to make the beast with two salt-kissed, sandy backs, you may think you need to use your portable speakers to play Janelle Monae’s “Pynk,” or even Janelle Monae’s “Make Me Feel”. But nothing could be further from the truth. The only thing you need to spice up a little “afternoon delight and/or exfoliation” is a full jar of grapefruit marmalade. Marmalade will give you the sugar rush you need to pound it out amidst the dead crabs and jellyfish. You can take turns feeding each other big old spoonfuls of delicious citrus jam, or, if you’re feeling really naughty, you can go ahead and lick it straight out of the jar. It’s a great warmup for your tongue. Try not to get any marmalade inside you, though. That’s where the sand goes, silly.

 

Images: Pixabay

Ella Gale
Ella Gale

Author - Engineer - Hilarious

Ella is a comedian and writer in Los Angeles, CA. She thinks the best comedy is like an open house in another person’s brain, and she would like to invite you into hers. Described by the Austin Chronicle as “exceedingly clever,” her jokes run the gamut from honest to absurd. She is a former engineer and unpaid intern who has performed at the Moontower and Limestone comedy festivals and whose work has appeared at the New York Television Festival.

No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.