Keep Your Newborn Baby Relevant With These Creative Celebrity Life Hacks
Blue Ivy. Baby Jessica. The weirdly sexualized Coppertone toddler being molested by a dog. These iconic cover-babies didn’t become household names by accident. (Well, Baby Jessica falling into the well was probably an accident, but it got her international attention!) Unfortunately, as these babies get older and less squishy, they tend to fall off the front page. A toddler is lucky to get a hashtag these days. That’s why we’ve compiled this list of creative, 100% well-free fame-hacks to keep your baby culturally relevant.
Leak Your Baby’s Sex Tape!
A sex tape is the go-to relevance hack for the rich and famous, though it presents a number of challenges when it comes to your baby. While it’s true that kids are experimenting with sex younger and younger these days, your newborn baby probably hasn’t, and filming it for the public would land you in every prison. Instead, get your 15 minutes of fame while boosting publicity for your baby by releasing a tape of her conception.
Didn’t think to film the conception for some reason? Baby was in vitro? No problem—just tape yourself having sex with anyone and say it’s the conception. In fact, if at all possible, your co-star should not be your baby’s father, for maximum scandal points. Ideally, they should be a woman, just to confuse the hell out of everyone. To really go for the gold, make it a celebrity everyone thought was dead.
Baby’s In A Love Triangle!
Nothing makes national headlines like a good celebrity love triangle. First, attach your baby to some celebrity twins, like those cute babies from Showtime’s Shameless. Next, make up a story about how your baby loves the one baby but the other baby loves her, and you’ve got a celebrity baby love triangle on your hands!
Life Hack #3 – Baby’s Revenge Body!
Oof. Your baby was dumped by both the Shameless twins when they realized she was only using them to gain access to their talent agents. She had some choice words to say about them, and while it’s impressive she can speak and form coherent sentences even though she was born just this past April, it turns out she’s not nearly as progressive as we originally thought.
Thankfully, you were able to quickly intervene and delete some potentially career shattering Ambien-related tweets. Now that she’s on the radar, she needs to do something drastic that makes her look independent, powerful, and so over those other babies while keeping their name attached to hers. It’s time for baby’s revenge body, baby! Help her lose that baby fat with a strict diet and exercise plan. Replace her Porsche Power Wheels’ electric foot pedal with bicycle pedals and her breast milk with cockroach milk. She’ll generate controversy and look good doing it.
Baby Battles Addiction!
Can’t you just imagine your baby as an inspirational public speaker and health advocate? You know, once she can talk? She’ll be taken more seriously if she’s battled some kind of addiction in the past, so get her booked on My Strange Addiction. Just say, like, the dieting went too far and she woke up at 3:00 AM every morning to ride her Power Wheels Porche bike for hours, slamming gallons of cockroach milk and then puking it all up. Bonus points if she gets the Power Wheels on the road and gets pulled over. Extra bonus points if she assaults the officer.
Follow that up with a publicized stint in a fancy Malibu rehab, then top it off with a series of late night appearances and a guest-speaking gig at the next Bunny Ears summit. We would love to have her (and only a little of her youth-restoring blood)! Congratulations, you’ve got yourself a bona fide Hollywood wellness guru. Cha-ching!