My Superfood Diet Has Made Me Immeasurably Powerful, And I’m Not Ready For The Responsibility
It started harmlessly enough. I’d gained a bit of winter weight, and I decided to kick my diet up a notch in the hopes of getting my abs back before #beachseason. I decided I’d cut out sugars, cut down on carbs. More leafy greens, more protein, more exercise. It was simple stuff. At first.
As I get older, it seems like my metabolism slows by the day, and I just wasn’t getting the quick results I craved. I turned to blogs and health magazines, following the latest trends. I updated my work out regimen accordingly; anaerobic exercise, bicycle crunches, high-intensity intervals, etc. My diet, though… I was just trying to keep up.
You know how it is: One-week coconut oil is the one true panacea of health and wellness, the next week it’s full of saturated fats and cholesterol. At 7am, all the blogs are raving about cinnamon and yogurt, but by sundown, experts agree that cinnamon destroys your liver and can alter your pheromones making you more enticing to wild predators. A nutrient-rich superfood with a wealth of antioxidants might help target stubborn belly fat, or it might kill your family while you sleep. The point is: these remedies are wholly unpredictable.
Planning my meals became a full-time job.
The more difficult following their advice became, the more I persevered. Checking the latest news and preparing my meals and eating habits accordingly became more than a diet. It was a game, a hobby, and finally… An obsession. Every day, a new fitness tip would contradict another, but still, I persevered. Planning my meals became a full-time job. I isolated myself, pushing away all of the people who were closest to me. When I had hit rock bottom, when I was on the verge of giving up, of taking a cheat day, I finally saw it.
There was a pattern. No, that’s not quite it. An algorithm. A code. At first, I thought I was going crazy, but I tested it. I’d start writing down my predictions, a few days in advance. Then, a few weeks. I knew when Paleo would be out and when DASH would be in. I could accurately predict when certain foods would be good or bad for you. I no longer needed the blogs; I was ahead of them at every step. That’s when I started to notice the changes.
Daydreams, hallucinations, I don’t know what to call them.
I was losing weight and gaining muscle faster than I ever had before. Within a month, I’d gained at least equal strength, speed, and agility to Captain America. I was thrilled with my sexy six-pack abs, but the changes didn’t stop there. I found that I saw things. What had begun as charts, data, articles espousing the multiple values of kale became something darker. Daydreams, hallucinations, I don’t know what to call them. Visions of people hurting each other, destroying the planet, hurting themselves.
I’ve become clairvoyant. I can see bad things before they happen, and I believe I’ve got the physical ability to prevent them, and that is not why I started this diet. Don’t get me wrong, I do help, sometimes. When I see someone buying produce that wasn’t locally sourced and organic, I swat it out of their hands. I remind everyone around me to hydrate, and to use almond butter instead of peanut. I know I’m doing the right thing, even if they can’t appreciate it. But I still can’t help feeling like I have a moral responsibility to stop crimes before they happen.
Is it right to change the future? What about taking the law into your own hands? Would superfood-enhanced vigilante justice only embolden a new breed of super-criminals? These are some questions that even omega-3 fatty acids can’t help me answer…
Couldn’t agree more. I was addicted to kale (because it tastes SO GOOD, right?) and was eating 6-32 bags a day. But I was also starting to hear what my neighbour’s mail said. Which wasn’t even worth it because it was mostly bills. So now I just eat dust. On my cheat day, I sit in KFC. ALL. DAY. Or has it been weeks now?
I love a finally honed rapier wit!!!!
Great stuff! But I’m wondering, what’s your opinion on the “dream about it”-diet? Some people seem to have had some success with it, you know, eating pizza all day long, dreaming about spinach smoothies during sleep, etc.
Doctors have their doubts, but according to Youtube it seems to be legit.
hahahah! yes! I love this stuff, keep em coming bud. this shit is hilarious.
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