Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had a costume bucket list; things and people I’ve always wanted to be. But due to the rise of the PC police, keyboard warriors, and people with “ethics,” many of the costumes on my list are now considered offensive—or even straight up racist! I’m not here to offend anyone or make fun of other cultures. I’m here to celebrate those cultures by dressing up as them and treating them like magical, alien creatures. IT’S A COMPLIMENT.
Luckily, I’ve found a way to still cross off every costume on my list without losing a wink of sleep at night worrying about cultural appropriation. A new website I found on a deep-web proud boys forum has designed many of the costumes I seek. But in order to calm the fires of the intersectional feminists and their whacky agenda, these costumes are made 100% ethically. (See? I’m a helper).
Take a look at all the fabulous ethically-made-yet-wildly inappropriate costumes below:
Native American Princess
This costume is deeply offensive to First Nations people, but that never stopped Cher or anyone at Coachella. The war paint portion (which is definitely an offensive detail considering traditional paint has deep cultural significants), is plant-based and biodegradable. Funds from this costume will go to teaching children that the Disney version of Pocahontas is the worst.
This costume is an American staple. However, it is also textbook appropriation and historically inaccurate. Thankfully, the white face paint is sourced from a special pigment from the bark of coniferous trees. All the paint is fair-trade certified, so don’t even worry about who it might offend, because you’re doing a good thing. However, if you’re feeling super guilty after purchasing this costume, go support a non-profit org that punches white dudes in the dick or something.
This costume is deeply insensitive to Hawaiians as it was illegal to practice Hula for many years. The grass for the skirt portion of this costume was grown in a community garden at a local liberal arts college. Each piece was woven together by work-study students looking to get an education at a reduced cost. So basically you’re supporting possible future ACLU lawyers and getting a rad sexy costume. WIN-WIN. TOTALLY WORTH IT.
This costume is often labeled with a rude racial slur when you buy it off the rack. The good news is it was produced completely cruelty-free, and you’ll even get a lab-made crystal ball. So you can be sure to tell people no children or animals were harmed in the making of your morally egregious ensemble.
Now normally white people should not wear dreads, even as a costume…unless you’re wearing the above piece that’s 100% plant-based, fair trade, and biodegradable. These dreads are so good for the environment it would be against the liberal agenda not to wear them.
You’re welcome, PC America! Happy Halloween.