Stew’s Corner: Hooking Up At This Wedding And Getting Away With It
[Welcome to Stew’s Corner, where Stewart P. Miller of Columbus, Ohio comes to share his assorted musings on whatever is weighing on his mind at the time. This week, it seems Stew attended a wedding and probably hooked up with a bridesmaid and now he’s writing about it. Let’s see what he has to say…]
The wedding/party is over. You’ve had a few drinks, danced a few dances, and that girl/guy you were flirting with all night has proven open to your advancements. A subtle suggestion of going someplace quiet where you can “hear each other talk” is thrown out, but you both know what’s on each other’s minds. Nothing is promised, of course, but we’re clearly both into each other, and tonight, we’re here for each other. Kissing gives way to laughing; laughing gives way to lusting; lusting gives way to touching, and then you both fall asleep. As night gives way to day and reality sets in again, one question invariably shoots through your mind:
How the fuck do I get out of here without anyone seeing me?
Whether you’re not into the person you hooked up with or just aren’t keen on everyone knowing what you did last night, know that most people have been in your position. You’re stuck in a room with all the evidence of last night’s transgressions, and you’re currently late for brunch, church, etc.
First, let’s talk precursors. If you were smart enough to change or even get a second set of clothes before you went back to their room, good for you! That shows tremendous foresight. Not wearing your “party clothes” erases the possibility that someone might see you after your getaway and recognize your walk-of-shame for what it is. If you missed this crucial step, the best you can now do is arrange your clothes in a way that makes them look new. Guys, don’t wear the tie, and if you had an undershirt opt for that instead of the button down. You can always pick up the rest of your clothes later.
Gals, for you it’s unfortunately tougher. ALWAYS push for your place instead of his. If it has to be his and you don’t have a second set of clothes, insist on borrowing his. Lose the heels, grab a non-conspicuous t-shirt, and wrap a button-down around your waist. A longer dress will be harder to conceal, but hide it as best you can. No shoes may be a dead giveaway, but if you’re in a hotel, who’s to say you didn’t just step out of your room for a bucket of ice?
Clothes aside, you’re currently stuck in someone else’s room and you can’t get out. The good news is the other person involved in this situation will likely want to keep things as quiet as you do (after all, a well-kept secret is sexy), so you officially have an ally in this. Let your host look out into the hall and make sure all is clear. If it is not, bide your time and check in a few minutes. If those damn others just won’t leave, have your host run a distraction, texting you when all is clear.
If that still doesn’t work, and you’re not in a high-rise hotel, you may be in for the dreaded window method. This, I must stress, is the last resort. For one, it can be dangerous. I wouldn’t undertake this step unless it can be done without the use of bed sheets tied together, anchored by a radiator. Also, it’s far too easy for someone to catch you (and while it may turn your walk-of-shame into the stride-of-pride, it’s definitely not subtle if that’s your goal here).
Okay, somehow you’ve made it out. Don’t cut corners here. Get to a public, widely-trafficked route and do a quick, ninety-degree turn to create the illusion that you’ve been on that path the whole time. Also, have a story in your head just in case anyone stops to chat. Morning walks, pool swims, and gym sessions are all acceptable reasons for you to be walking the halls, resort, or campus at this strange hour. Guys, if your absence has been noted, and the other guys are getting ideas, quickly tell them “a gentlemen never tells.” That might seem an admission of guilt, but most idiots take that as “there’s nothing to say because nothing happened.” Gals, again, you should have initially gone to your room! But since you didn’t and you’re caught, may I suggest saying that you just “had one of those really deep conversations.” Your friends will be none-the-wiser.
If you do happen to be at the same brunch, church service, or other the next morning, DO NOT talk to the person. Don’t even glance their way. If anyone already suspects what you were up to the night before, a quick glance will be blown out of proportion. If people talk about hook-ups, contribute the least amount possible and then fade into the background. You want your presence in the conversation felt, but quickly forgotten.
Party nights can be fun and sometimes they give passion that extra nudge it needs to overwhelm us. And with a few precautions, a little know-how, and a decent end game, your wild, passionate night can successfully fade into social obscurity.