Color Of The Month: Blue Balls Blue
This month is all about celibacy (the self-induced kind. Not like when just no one wants to do you), and that’s why our current Color of the Month is blue balls blue. In the spirit of the theme, here are all the things you can be doing right now instead of smashing.
1. Go For A Walk
Take time to admire the majesty of nature. Just be careful not to look up at the sky, or it may remind you of the color that your balls are currently turning since you haven’t stuck it in anyone or anything for days now. (For an extra challenge, try stepping on every crack on the sidewalk. The immense focus it requires will relieve some of the heat and tension stewing in your undercarriage. At least for a while.)
2. Call Your Mom
Now that your hands are suddenly free all the time, pick up the phone and chat with your mom. Maybe apologize for all those cracks you stepped on during your walk. But don’t explain to her that you did it in an attempt to take your mind off self-pleasure. That would just make it weird, and that’s not what this is about.
3. Visit Friends And Loved Ones
With the two-and-a-half hours you’re saving daily (at least) by not carelessly spilling your seed all willy-nilly, go visit the people you care about! Just make sure they don’t invite you to any kind of sexy movie or a situation where you’ll have to ride a mechanical bull or something. That will only remind you of your uncomfortable predicament. Or worse, make you go insane in a blue ball-induced rage blackout (yes, it’s possible, and it’s very dangerous).
Maybe finally paint that accent wall! Blue balls blue will make a great point of reference.