Our Festival Season Guide To The Most Luxe Antibiotics

December 2, 2021 by , featured in Health
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Do you feel a phat beat in your heart and sand in your vagina? That’s a sure sign that winter is finally over and festival season has officially begun! This year’s amazing opportunities to see the hottest new bands, try the trendiest new edibles, and get the most Insta-worthy infectious diseases is sure to be the best ever. While we hope you come back with enough ‘Gram photos to help you piece together the weekend, we don’t want you coming back with trichomoniasis. That’s why we’ve put together this guide to festival season’s most luxe antibiotics.

Pantone’s Anti-Poopy Poppy Pill

Color of the Year god Pantone has teamed up with Pfizer to bring you this fashionable cure to salmonella. That nasty little bacteria is simply everywhere at any party run by 20-year-olds, and you do not want to spend set B in a Porta Potty, not when there’s a rumor that Kanye might be coming back.

Not only will this little capsule ward off the shits caused from eating desert-warmed cumin mayo, it will send your mouth and intestines on a fashion-forward trip, thanks to its highly pigmented poppy and cyan hues. Remember, you’re trying to avoid vomiting up your soul and still lead the fashion game, so go ahead, try that molly-laced, room-temperature fudge.

Unicornucopenis Prevention


Festivals aren’t just about wildly flailing to music that you can almost hear over 10,000 girls screaming “Woooo!” They’re also about fucking. Just a tremendous, massive amount of fucking. Keep your festival style from cramping, as in physically cramping in agony while urinating, with our favorite new antibiotic: the all-purpose S.T.D. preventer! Stuff a handful of these babies in your mouth any time you manage to corner an aspiring D.J./influencer in a dark tent. Take that, chlamydia and syphilis! Added boning bonus: The super-fun unicorn design lets you shit glitter (but not spores of gonorrhea) for weeks.

SweeTarts Tetanus Teasers


As you know, one of the realist parts of any festival season is the rustic setting. Did you know that many major festivals hire local poor people to spread rusty nails and broken glass around? Talk about atmospheric! But these dope-ass tricks comes with a major risk of developing tetanus if you gyrate over one too many decorations.

That’s why SweeTarts has updated its classic rave candy necklace to meet modern music festival needs. String these perfect pastel antibiotics over your totally respectful Native American feather choker, and every time you slice your foot open on some artisan glass, pop a few in your mouth. Kick your Coach flip-flops away and enjoy festivals the way they’re meant to be enjoyed: with your unwashed feet out.

Universal (And Kidney) Clarity


You know it’s a good festival when you end up exhausted and nauseous. That’s why our favorite luxe antibiotic of this festival season isn’t actually an antibiotic at all—it’s a bullshit vitamin E pill! Hand these out with hushed promises that they’ll cleanse your internal organs and provide you with the mental clarity to get—I mean really get—Beyonce. Whisper that you got them from Anthony Kiedis, who credits them for keeping him alive after all that heroin. Watch as people groove on the “hallucinogenic effects” while secretly knowing they’re a Walgreens-brand vitamin.

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay

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