Distance Acupuncture Combines Healing With The Fun Of Lawn Darts

April 18, 2022 by , featured in Health
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Almost every health-conscious person has surely heard of distance acupuncture by now, but many may also be reluctant to give this new trend a try. That’s why I booked a session with one of the country’s foremost practitioners to give you all the deets. But first, let’s talk a little about how it works.

Dear God, Why Would You Do That?

The philosophy behind distance acupuncture is often compared to muscle confusion workouts. Your body grows so accustomed to the same old technique that you start experiencing diminishing returns. With traditional acupuncture, thin needles are intricately poked all over your body in the same spots every time. With distance acupuncture, however, the parts of the body affected can radically change from one session to the next depending on a variety of factors, such as the thrower’s accuracy, wind conditions, and whether or not you flinched when you were specifically told not to.

I was fortunate enough to secure an appointment with one of the busiest distance acupuncturists in the country, Martha Coswell, owner of Going The Distance Acupuncturary. Over the course of an exhilarating afternoon, Martha flung several dozen soothing needles at my body from distances ranging from one to 40 feet, sometimes while she was blindfolded, and sometimes while she was blindfolded after spinning three times with her forehead resting on the butt of a baseball bat.

Does It Work? (No!)

The session began with me giving Martha a rundown of my problem areas. I told her my knees are a little shaky, I have high cholesterol, and my sciatica can flare up something awful. None of those ailments were treated even remotely, which is kind of the point of distance acupuncture. The needles gravitate not where you want them to, but where the needles believe you need them most. The will of the needles determined that I needed their healing properties mostly around my eyes and heart.

A traditional acupuncturist is trained to slip the needle into your skin so softly that you don’t even feel the pinch. Distance acupuncture, however, is all about the acknowledgment of a needle that is, in essence, more of a nine-inch dart with stabilizing fins on the back and the word “Executioner” printed on the side. I felt them. Every time. I still do.

Images: Unsplash, Amazon

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