How to Find a Yoga Teacher Who Isn’t Dating Your Ex
One important aspect of starting a yoga practice is finding a teacher who hasn’t doggied downward with your ex. This can be surprisingly difficult. But never fear, a good yoga practice can be done anywhere (for instance, on your ex’s dick).
You want to have a good connection with your yoga teacher. And not a connection based on hatred mixed with guilt mixed with pity because you’re glad you got out of that thing with Brian and it’s not her fault but why does she have to be so thin and also, should you warn her about the HPV? The honest truth is, everyone has HPV.
“I live in a very small town, so there are only five yoga studios,” says Kimberly, a chemical engineer in New Mexico. “After the divorce, my ex-husband really tore through them. How did he meet so many different yoga teachers? He doesn’t do yoga. He actually barely exercises. He went to the gym exactly once during our marriage, despite me paying for his membership for five years.”
“Yoga teachers are just so much more centered,” said Josh, Kimberly’s ex. “I’m tired of dating women who are just climbing the corporate ladder. Poppy doesn’t care about that stuff.”
“I’m up for tenure this year at the university where I teach comparative literature,” said Poppy, the woman in question. “I think Josh assumes I only teach yoga. Anyway, he spends so much time talking about how tiny and delicate my bones look that he’s never bothered to ask about my other interests. Excuse me, I have a week’s worth of vegan meals to prep and this is the only two-hour block in my schedule where I have time for that.”
For Bethany, an architect in New York, the problem can be even more daunting. “There are a billion yoga studios nearby, but it’s hard to trust any of them. I’ve been burned before. I’ll go to a few classes and really start vibing with the instructor, but then one day I’ll leave class and there’s Arjun, waiting to take her to some expensive macrobiotic place with a Michelin star. Do you know how many times he refused to go anywhere but Chili’s with me? Anyway. I found a secret class that meets in a windowless basement, and I hope it takes Arjun at least a year to find out about it. He’s kind of like a bloodhound for hot yogis. The dumber the better.”
We talked to one of the exes in question to learn more about the appeal of yoga teachers. “I’ve dated a lot of them. Buckets and buckets,” said Jaden, an ex-boyfriend. “It seems like yoga is a real mood booster. My ex was so stressed out all the time, whereas my new girlfriend is very, very thin.”
Anyway, we know you’ve come to this article for advice on finding a yoga teacher who won’t wind up dating your ex and here it is: YOGA PARTY, a jazzy set of 1970s VHS tapes that will teach you a few basic positions to the songs of the seventies. And the tapes’ upbeat, big-haired instructor is 100% dead now. Good luck dating a ghost, my exes! (Just kidding. Please do not date this ghost. I need this).
[Editor’s Note: two days after this article went to print, Josh dumped Poppy. He is currently dating a “much chiller” cardboard cutout of Dakota Johnson.]