Are Your Crystals Being Tested on Spirit Animals?
Crystals are incredibly powerful, and thanks to advances in metaphysics, they’re only getting stronger. Every year, the spiritual energy of a crystal doubles! This may be hard to believe, but my shaman told me it was true. The thumbnail-sized piece of tourmaline your grandmother stuffed in her bra before the big sock hop could now power an entire women’s lacrosse team. However, this exponential growth in very real crystal energy has come at a price. Many crystophiles don’t realize that these potent tools are being tested on spirit animals.
Shocking, right? My spirit animal is a feathered snake whose tongue is an even tinier feathered snake. His name is George, and the thought of someone trying to open his root chakras in some kind of slaboratory is just sickening.
We shouldn’t let our thirst for power interfere with our compassion for our spiritual companions, so here are some crystals to look out for:
Rose quartz is often called the “love rock,” and what’s more lovable than puppies? That’s why, sadly, a team of paranormal investigators revealed last year that the rocks of a prominent rose quartz vendor were actually being waved over an adorable litter of spirit puppies until their crown chakras exploded. Yikes.
How to get it ethically: Don’t go to a wholesaler. Find a local crystal purveyor who sources their rocks from national parks or sensitive wildlife areas. Taking a crystal from a pristine natural environment may not be “legal,” but at least you know no luminous baby spirit animals were harmed in the process.
Noble lapis lazuli is a stone that stimulates good judgment, which is why I feel very comfortable about my decision to buy a bunch of lapis lazuli instead of paying my rent this month. Fortunately, my crystal dealer pinkie swore that my lapis hadn’t been tested on any majestic spirit rabbits. That’s right: Sometimes, shady crystal dealers will kill a spirit rabbit, then use a chakrik scale to weigh its energies against that of a lapis lazuli.
How to get it ethically: Find it yourself! It helps to get an undergraduate and maybe even graduate degree in geology first. Once you’re done with your schooling, hop on a plane and get out there. Historically, lapis lazuli was mined in Afghanistan, so maybe try there first.
This stone opens your throat chakra, which is perfect, because you’re about to swallow an uncomfortable truth. Some of these beautiful blue-green copper stones are tested on lustrous iridescent spirit fish. The fish are forced to swallow the stones, and then their auras are examined for major changes in color, size, and consistency.
How to get it ethically: Look at the chrysocolla before you buy it. Do you see intangible scales? Does it feel particularly piscine? You may wish to consult your own spirit animal in some kind of ceremony, as they all talk to each other.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…