It sounds too simple to be true, but science has proven that people are never more mentally and physically fit than when they’re at home. They sleep better. They’re less anxious. They’re still flatulent, but their flatulence is devoid of sound and odor and gains a pleasant, visible tinge of fuchsia.
But making a house feel like a home takes more than moving in all your stuff after burning a sage stick to cleanse it of the lingering aura left by the previous owner’s Confederate flag. Dr. Octavian Bronte of the Bronte Institute of Wellness and More Wellness may have found a way to cut the bonding process down from years to a few scintillating moments. He calls it “grounding.” It’s when a person forms an instant bond with a living space by jamming metal objects in electrical sockets to harmonize with its natural energy. Think of it as a shortcut to turning an unfamiliar house into a warm and loving home. Or should we say, a short circuit?
We talked to Dr. Bronte to find out more about him and his radical home-bonding technique.
Bunny Ears: What inspired you to find rapid home harmonization in an electrical socket?
Dr. Bronte: You know, it just came naturally to me. I’ve been connecting with wherever I’ve lived since I was old enough to grab a fork from the cutlery drawer. I was a military brat. When you move around as much as we did, you don’t get enough time to form a deep connection with your new home. One day, when my mom left me alone to buy some Marlboro Reds and whiskey, I started ramming a fork into every outlet I found. When she got back, she found my body smoking with the burning passion I had for our new home. I’ve been doing it ever since.
Bunny Ears: How is grounding different from, say, being electrocuted or sentenced to death by electric chair?
Dr. Bronte: Well, those things hurt, for starters! [laughs] No, I kid. Grounding is excruciating.
There’s always pain when you intertwine your spiritual energies with another, whether it be with a lover, a friend, or a 2 x 2 condo in Boca Raton. The difference is that grounding is done with good intent. You’re actively seeking to develop a trust that will protect you from harm, not cause it. You’re compressing the development of a bond that takes years to form into a single moment that produces a fascinating array of screams, let me tell you.
Bunny Ears: How do you measure the effects of grounding?
Dr. Bronte: By now, it’s a sixth sense I developed after conducting dozens of clinical trials. I’d have participants connect with the energies of a room painted white from floor to ceiling. A room no one could love. Once the connection was formed, usually by convincing them that the key to leave the room needed to be fished out of the electrical socket with the provided metal rod, I’d wake them with an ammonia capsule. Without fail, most of them would glance and ask if all the white meant they were in heaven. From begging to be released to calling it heaven, within seconds! Now those are results.
Bunny Ears: From what we hear, you also do it in hotel rooms?
Dr. Bronte: Yes. I began applying grounding techniques to non-permanent residences after spending too many lonely nights in discomforting hotel rooms during seminar tours. Try as they might, no hotel can make a kitchenette cozy enough to feel like home. Instead of expecting them to bring the home experience to me, I bring myself to it with my Grounding Rod Travel Kit, available for $29.99 on my Etsy store. The process is the same—shake a metal object around in a power outlet until you feel the soothing currents of homely comfort—with the added suggestion of laying down newspaper to absorb the urine you’ll expel when you pass out to spare the maid. In lieu of newspaper, you can leave a substantial tip at checkout.
Bunny Ears: Since you mentioned it, you sell your own brand of grounding rods. What’s the difference between those and a common fork or skewer?
Dr. Bronte: Yes, there’s the two-pronged stainless steel Home Rod, which has an ergonomic grip and can be monogrammed with your initials or a QR code that links to your dental records in the rare case that your body is roasted beyond recognition. The travel set is the same but comes with interchangeable outlet plugs, so you can make even a European youth hostel that gives off potent murder vibes feel like home.