Forget Those Beginner Witch Kits, We’ll Send You Actual Blood And Skulls
If you want to get into majick but don’t know where to start, you may be tempted to pick up one of those trendy “beginner witch kits” offered on Etsy or other sites. They’ll include various herbs, a smudge stick, a twee girl power–themed tarot deck, candles, and other assorted knicknacks. This is all well and fine, but we at Bunny Ears have a simple suggestion: Step the fuck up to Flavor Town, witches. We’ve got the real deal, left-hand path witchy goodness for sale. Our specially chosen beginner witch kit kit will Fairuza your Balk, Shannon your Doherty, and Melissa your Joan Hart. Here is what you can expect to receive.*
We are going to send you blood. So much blood. We have just so much blood here, and we need to get rid of it. We haven’t exactly planned this out, but you can expect anything from a La Croix can to a paint can full of blood. It’s really none of our business what you do with it from there. Fingerpaint unholy symbols on the walls. Drink it. Use it in pranks. Throw it at people. There are endless possibilities if you are creative enough. Hell, we’ll throw in any number of body fluids we have lying around.
There’s a utility closet in the Bunny Ears offices that remains locked at all times because every time someone opens it, they get stabbed with a knife. It’s a different knife every time. No clue where they come from. What’s important is that we’ve accumulated a number of daggers, scalpels, skewers, shanks, shivs, and other pointy things, and we would be more than happy to include them in our package to you. While we can’t fully guarantee there are tortured souls trapped inside them, it seems like statistical probability is in your favor.
Like the other items in the kit, the skulls we send you will vary widely. Craig the Intern has cleaned up so many carcasses of birds and other creatures that die when flying, crawling, or otherwise trespassing on our property that we have trash bags full. Seems a shame to throw them out, but that may be untreated abandonment issues manifesting as a hoarding impulse. Still, we’re willing to part with them for your witchy needs. Just bags full of dead animals. We think. There’s dead things we have that we can’t even identify. Lopsided things with too many legs and too many eyes. Teeth everywhere. Where do they even come from? We don’t know, but we really need to get them and everything else included in our beginner witch kits out of here. The cops are getting suspicious.
*Bunny Ears is not responsible for items included that you don’t expect to receive.