Cathartic: This Article Will Make You Cry No Matter What
We all know a nice, efficient weep is emotionally and physiologically cleansing, because if something has become a Japanese cottage industry worthy of BBC coverage, it’s as good as peer-reviewed scientific fact. We’ve since curated a list of tear-jerking material so you can achieve catharsis in five minutes or less. Grab those tissues, because this article will make you cry no matter what—and that’s the point!
1. Strangers Always Insist on Covering This Young Family’s Meals …
… except the couple is childless. Turns out they’ve been taking a neighbor’s toddler on a regular basis—without asking—for months, all to take advantage of the kindness of strangers. And that’s sad. What kind of monsters would do that? This world is terrible.
2. This Man Dressed Up As His Dog’s Favorite Toy…
…and paid for it with his life.
What the man had mistaken as his dog fondness for a specific stuffed animal was actually the pooch’s simmering, murderous resentment: Years ago, Gumby (or someone who bore an uncanny resemblance to Gumby) killed this dog’s father in a back-alley fracas. Attorneys would later argue that Sandy’s single-minded devotion to this particular toy was a therapeutic attempt to keep his all-encompassing rage at bay. Faced with the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for revenge, the dog did what any one of us would do.
3. Cops Around the World Are Stopping Traffic to Let the Ducks Cross…
… because the alternative is bloodshed.
It may seem like law enforcement is acting out of the goodness of their heart, but any cop acting as an escort to waterfowl is likely beholden to an ancient blood oath to appease elder gods. Legend has it that a forgotten battle in an unnamed village ended with an uneasy truce between humans and their shadowy immortal enemies: If their was promised safe passage for the flat-footed quackers, there would be peace. But for every duck squashed by a wheel or washed down a storm drain, one human life will be claimed.
4. These Dogs Refuse to Leave Their Owners’ Gravesides…
… because they are zombie familiars.
You’ve probably heard at least one story about a grief-stricken dog who can’t accept that their owner has shuffled off this mortal coil. We like to think dogs neither understand nor accept the finality of death, and so they stand sentry over their beloved’s final resting place, awaiting a return that will never come.
That’s only half true. These hangdogs prefer to hang out next to piles of fresh dirt year after year, never leaving. Fresh dirt. Year after year. Nary a blade of grass in sight. Do you see where this is going? Zombies. Zombies are real, and dogs know about it. We’ve heard like seven different cases of this.
We don’t deserve dogs.