5 Great Gift Ideas For—Wait, Really? ‘Confederate Memorial Day?’
Goodness gracious, I can’t believe it’s already that time of year, when Virginia celebrates Confederate Memorial Day! I really, really can’t believe it. But I also can’t pass up a chance to write a gift guide—not in this economy. So here you have it: Five gift ideas for your awful friends and family who actually celebrate actual Confederate Memorial Day—which again, is still somehow a thing people really celebrate in 2020.
1. A Confederate Flag, The Flag of Racism-Based Treason
Okay, realistically they probably already have like seven of these, but anyone celebrating this day in earnest definitely isn’t looking to expand their tastes or horizons, so, whatever! They’ll likely love another hate-filled rag made in China.
2. A Shirt That Says “Cowboy Up Southern Heritage” Or Some Shit
I’m assuming you’re close to this person and don’t want to start a fight, so maybe just ironically get them a bad South-based algorithm shirt? They probably won’t even notice it’s ironic! Though hmm, that might be worse. They could end up wearing it proudly, and then their racist friends would buy them, and then the artless algorithm shirt company makes money on hatred … Okay, hold off on buying the shirt. I gotta rethink this one.
3. Chocolate-Covered Strawberries
I don’t know why you’d want to give them a non-sarcastic gift, but if you do, you can never go wrong with some delicious chocolate-covered goodies! Personally, I’d pee on the berries a little bit first but, you know. Your call.
4. “Between the World And Me,” by Ta-Nehisi Coates
Not that they’ll read it, but maybe their kid will? Maybe. Or, okay, how about you get the audiobook version, and hide a bunch of wireless speakers around their house. Then, play the book for them as they cook, watch TV, try to sleep, etc. I figure, best case scenario? They’ll begin to feel haunted by the ghosts of America’s past—just like the rest of us!
5. A Pointy White Hood, So They Can Stop Pretending
I take back what I said earlier. You should start a fight with this person. They’re trash! Give ’em a straight up Klan hood so they can at least be honest trash.
There you have it! Happy shopping! Shopping for Confederate Memorial Day! Which, I cannot stress enough, is absolutely real! Check back in here next month for my gift guide to … oh, thank goodness. Estonian Independence Day. Sööge rikkaid!