How To Talk About The Books You Only Bought Because They’re Pretty
We don’t have to tell you that organizing your bookshelves by color so that they form lovely rainbows is all the rage in home decorating these days, but we understand that it can be more difficult than it looks. Face it: There just aren’t that many purple books in the world. Fortunately, the free market has stepped in, and there are people who sell colorful books in bulk for exactly this reason. If you avail yourself of this service, you’ll hear no judgment from us! We don’t even know how to read. However, you might find yourself in an awkward situation when a clueless guest perusing your bookshelf tries to engage you in conversation, so here’s how to bullshit your way out of it.
1. Ask Them What They Think
The safest course of action is to ask your guest what they thought of the book in question and then just agree in slightly different words. Some good positive book words are “imagery” and “prose,” while some good bad book words are “cliche” and “long-winded.” People love to share their own opinions, so if you can provide just enough encouragement to keep them going, they probably won’t even notice that you’ve shelved 70% of the books upside down.
2. Symbolism Is Your Friend
There’s always a risk that your companion will use big words that you don’t know and you will accidentally disagree with them. If that happens, just say that you found the author’s illustration of the evils of capitalism to be particularly poignant or lacking, depending on the required viewpoint. This is an inarguable interpretation, and it’s probably true anyway.
3. Authors To Avoid At All Costs
No matter how well their books fit into your color scheme, it is never worth it to display works by the following writers: Richard Dawkins, Bret Easton Ellis, L. Ron Hubbard, David Icke, Jack Kerouac, Vladimir Nabokov, and Ayn Rand. Disregard the rest of our advice as you see fit—and honestly, you definitely should—but trust us when we say that you do not want to get stuck having a whole dinner with someone who thinks you’re also an Ayn Rand fan.
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As a humiliated employee of Barnes & Noble Booksellers, I can personally attest to witnessing customers purchasing books solely for their aesthetic value…to serve as an accessory for their phone-free hand or a conversation piece to conceal the razor and credit card burns on their glass coffee tables at home.