Oh, I’ll Tell You How To Make These Vegan Sugar Cookies, But First You’ll Have To Read My Ridiculously Long Sugar Cookie Journey
Hey guys, I’m so glad that you came to check out my fave sugar cookie recipe! I know you probably just want to scroll down to the ingredients and get the recipe, but I’m going to make that as difficult for you as possible. Some might say I’m holding the recipe hostage. But instead of ransom money, I want you to read a bunch of random bullshit loosely related to the theme of sugar cookies.
I guess my sugar cookie journey started before I was born. My great-grandmother used her sugar cookie recipe to stop a plague or prevent a world war or something equally unlikely. At least, that’s what I’m going to tell you. I’ll most likely just end up boring you to death with an unbearably long story that amounts to “my grandma made me cookies!” I know, it’s shocking.
Then I’ll probably move on to a very haphazardly researched history of the sugar cookie that is mostly just things I heard from my friend, Gail, once. Did you know the Greeks invented sugar cookies as a cure for athlete’s foot? Neither did I, until I just made it up!
Gosh, I bet you could really use that recipe now, huh? All you want is some delicious sugar cookies that won’t make you feel guilty about how mean we are to cows. I should really just give you the recipe. Here’s a giant picture of a cookie instead.
Yeah, that looks good, doesn’t it? Okay, I’ll at least give you the ingredients now, but first, here’s a free verse poem about frosting I wrote.
Sweet swirling delicious
I see you
On my cookie
And I’m like
Frosting is good
Thanks for the frosting
With my soul open and bared to you, I’ll then dig into the deeper meaning of sugar cookies to me as a human, person, and mom. I’ll probably say a lot of stuff about how sugar cookies don’t just fill your stomach, they fill your soul. Also, food is deeply spiritual or some crap like that.
Okay, you can have an ingredient. There’s flour in it. Now you have to listen to my thoughts on sprinkles, and I have soooo many thoughts.
Just when you start to think “okay, this is ridiculous, I’m looking up another recipe,” BAM! That’s when I hit you with the ingredients.
1 cup vegan butter
2 cups sugar
1 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
a pinch of salt
2 tbsp almond milk
1 cup powdered sugar
See? You’re so close! You have the ingredients! This is halfway done. Of course, the ingredients won’t do you any good if you don’t know at what temperature to cook them or in what order to combine them. There’s really just so much that can go wrong without the recipe! I’d hate to see you end up with burned sugar cookies.
Don’t worry—the recipe is just around the corner, I promise! First, I’m going to need you to read all of the cute things my children have said about Bubble Guppies. My oldest calls Gil “Grill!” Isn’t that hilarious? Why aren’t you laughing? I can feel you not laughing. I’m honestly starting to wonder if you even want this recipe. Here’s another picture of the cookies you can’t have. I hope it doesn’t crash your computer.
Okay, okay, I’ve had some time to calm down, and I’m willing to tell you some really obvious things about sugar cookies. They’re usually soft, and my recipe is no exception, but if you prefer more crunch, you can bake them a little bit longer.
Here’s a bullet pointed list of all the things I like about these cookies:
- Look nice
- Taste good
- Smell alright
- Easy to hide from the cops if necessary
- Don’t owe me any child support
Uh oh, did I run out of space to give you the actual recipe? Whoops-a-daisy! I guess I’ll have to do a second post that contains the recipe. What are your thoughts on vegan sugar cookies? Sound off in the comments! Or else.
Images: Pixabay, Foter
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