DIY: Your Own Emergency Replacement Organs!
There are few more frightening, serious, and expensive predicaments in life than suddenly needing an organ replacement. Not only do you get to feel like garbage for the months or even years you’re on a waiting list for a new one, but you get the pleasure of a $150,000 hospital bill upon transplant. There’s got to be a better way….and there is: Make your own replacement organs at home for a fraction of the cost!
See below for practical, affordable ways to DIY your own bodily organs.
It’s the most commonly-transplanted organ, which means the waiting list is, like, so long. So get proactive with those kidney beans in your pantry. Why do you think they call them “kidney beans”—because they look like kidneys? That’s just a coincidence. It’s because, like the kidneys, they can naturally filter blood. Carefully drain two cans of kidney beans (make sure they’re dry—this won’t work if they’re wet), and with clean hands mash all the beans together until they’re a big, solid lump in the shape of a kidney. Swallow it, but hold your breath while you do—that will re-route the kidney to where your old kidney lives, forcing that one out via excretion (pooping).
Crush a charcoal briquette to dust and place it in the center of a three-inch section of a home air filter—like the kind you put in your heating system. Tie the ends together to create a little parcel, then place inside a party balloon (light blue works best because it looks like a lung). Now, take the filled party balloon and place that inside a Mylar balloon (you know, those shiny ones you get in the hospital). Fill the remaining interior of the balloon-in-balloon with pure oxygen, tie it shut, and wrap it in a thin layer of bubble wrap. Cut open your chest cavity and insert.
The spleen serves no known medical purpose. Scientists think it’s basically a “load-bearing” organ that provides balance to the body. So if your spleen ruptures, you can just replace it with literally anything that weighs six ounces provided its made from organic materials. Maybe try a hemp-based Hacky sack. Insert via your mouth or butt.
If you can’t cry, you might just have blocked or completely nonfunctional tear ducts like my ex-girlfriend, Caroline. She never showed any emotion besides cruelty. If this is also the case for you, fear not: Just take a piece of scotch tape and liberally douse with saline solution. Shove it into the corner of your eye and “activate” it by showing it the opening montage from Up, which makes everyone cry except for Caroline.
The incredibly thin, protective layer around the eyeball is extremely easy to rupture, necessitating a transplant/dealing with those prissy jerks down at the eye bank. Screw that—why get another faulty human cornea when you can make your own bionic, impenetrable one constructed from six disposable contact lenses that have been purified overnight in lye?
A prolapsed anus boasts one of the easiest medical home-fixes there is. Just dig out a new one somewhere near the old one!
No transplant necessary. You don’t need a heart to live (just ask Caroline). And whatever you do, don’t let a quack “doctor” stick a baboon heart in there. They’re absolutely not effective. Though four baboon hearts stitched together with dental floss is a different story.
Images: Pexels, Foter, Pixabay