Reduce Stress By Giving Up On Real Life And Living In A Lucid Dream
Life is…not great. You’ve been at your job for nearly three years and there’s zero chance of a promotion. The guy you’ve been seeing for months refuses to call himself your boyfriend. Your favorite clothes are falling apart or—almost worse—don’t even fit any more. You go to the doctor, and he basically tells you to stop doing the few things in life that still bring you joy.
You’re like a ghost, haunting your own life.
But what if I told you there’s a way to carve out a new existence, entirely governed by yourself and your will? I’m talking about…
What do you want most out of life? Be really clear about it, and don’t limit yourself with petty things like feasibility, time and space, or human logic/Newtonian physics. Now, you’re gonna need a handful of doxylamine succinate (unfortunately it’s one of the pricier over-the-counter sleep aids, but hey, we’re still talking legal).
Note: Normally I’d recommend a book on meditation exercises, common symbols of the subconscious mind, and other rituals to work yourself up to the task of taking on a lucid dream. But consider this a crash course.
Now, take the doxylamine succinate about twenty minutes before you expect to go to sleep, and get to bed immediately. You should begin to hear whispering voices calling your name within a few short minutes. There may also be ghostly figures standing around your bed watching as you drift into unconsciousness. This is normal—we call those people “Mambients,” or “sleeping pill people.” But don’t worry—they’re technically not relevant to this process.
Once You Fall Asleep, Find Your Hands
The two most basic steps in lucid dreaming are to first realize you’re dreaming, and then actually doing something about it. Look for your hands. Grab things. Touch things. Touch yourself.
Now take the index finger of one hand and try to push it through the palm of the other. Ask yourself “Am I dreaming?” as you do this. If your finger does not go through your palm, tell yourself “I must be awake!” Out loud. Are people staring at you? Well that’s a pretty ridiculous thing to exclaim while waiting for a table at Chili’s, dingus. Get better at this.
At some point you will succeed in pushing a finger through your palm. At that point, tell yourself, “I must be asleep!” Out loud. Are people staring now? Fuck ’em. Go nuts, beat the shit out of them. Cut off their heads. Burn the whole goddamn Chili’s to the ground. Because you’re officially lucid dreaming, friend.
Accept This As The Only Reality That Matters
Immerse yourself in your new dream world and all the powers that lie there. Forget your job, your fears, and all those nagging insecurities that keep you from finding fulfillment in your “actual” life. Why do things like “work on yourself” when you can cut loose and be with your (literal) dream man now?
Keep going at this long enough, and the dreadful and tedious routines of the “waking world” will soon be like an unpleasant recurring dream. Sleepwalk through your dead-end job to keep you supplied with sleeping pills and microwave dinners. Cut off vexing and tiresome communication with anyone not inside your own head that may promise a fleeting—but inevitably pointless—reason to stay awake.
You don’t need any of it. You’re living your best life in a fantasy world of your own creation.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…