I’m Furious That Bunny Ears Used My Picture in an Article about Micropenises
This website you’re on right now used a photo of me as the sole image atop an article about the plight of men with micropenises. The article has been removed, but the damage has been done.
Before I fully blame Bunny Ears, I’ll heap some blame on myself. When a friend of mine asked me to stare out of a window looking sad for pictures he was going to upload to a stock photo site, I didn’t think much of it. Have you ever been to a stock photo site? There’re millions of pictures to choose from. The chances of anyone ever using mine were pretty low, and if they were used, I figured people would use them responsibly.
I Don’t Have A Micropenis
That was not the case. Bunny Ears wrote an article that featured snippets of an interview they conducted with a man who has a micropenis. The article became a viral sensation and something of a joke. I was blissfully unaware of any of this until some friends shared with me a Buzzfeed article mocking the Bunny Ears article that everyone assumed was about me. Ugh, I cannot stress enough that it is absolutely not about me and my penis is not the subject of the article.
I could never have imagined the pain such an absurd mishap would put me through. At work, doing groceries, standing at the urinal—everywhere I go, at least one or two people recognize me as the man with a penis that often gets lost in the tussle of my “pubic thicket.” That’s what the guy in the article called it. I just call it pubic hair. But people on the street ask me if I’ve found “my dick in the thicket.”
One group of rowdy guys in a bar reduced that even further and then gifted it to me as a brand-new nickname: Dick Thicket. This is a bar I used to frequent regularly, but now there’s a printout of the article, including my picture, on the wall over the booth my friends and I usually sit in. In Sharpie, the bar owner wrote “here sits Dick Thicket.” I heard he has a plan to charge bar patrons $10 for pictures with me and that we can split the profits 60-40 in my favor if I ever go back in there. My humiliation is not worth $6.
Dick Thicket’s Lament
A picture of the printout of the article from the bar’s wall then circled around back onto the Internet. My Instagram and Twitter accounts were bombarded by people calling me Dick Thicket. I lost count of the number of times people have asked to see the micropenis I do not have. Then, men with actual micropenises started sending me messages of solidarity, including pictures of their micropenises. These will forever be the most disturbing greeting cards I will ever receive.
Then, something strange happened. Even though, and I can’t stress this enough, I don’t have a micropenis, I started empathizing with the micropenised men. I stopped trying to set the record straight with them and played along instead. Rather than crush their dreams of finally being able to open up about their micropenis dilemmas with a public figure unafraid to tell the world about his micropenis, I started hearing them out. I talked to them about their struggles, their shame, and yeah, even the embarrassment of getting their micropenises lost in their dick thickets.
It’s been a few months since I received my first solidarity dick pic. While I still do not have a micropenis and will never develop one after, I don’t know, maybe some kind of freak sneezing mishap rockets my penis inward just enough to qualify, at least I’ve made a lot of men with little penises feel better about themselves.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…