Hi, I’m an African American. Don’t be alarmed—I’m one of the good ones. I’m here today to tell you about something…unique to the African-American experience. Every year, honest, hard-working, never-had-a-criminal-record-in-my-life African Americans just like me have to deal with a deluge of holiday cards from their white friends.
Now don’t get me wrong. I, like every other African American, enjoy the sentiments I receive from perfectly good, wholesome, Judeo-Christian White Americans. However, I must confess that some of the messages received are a tad unsettling. Again, please don’t be alarmed! Black people such as myself absolutely love white people. But often times your holiday greetings go a tad off course.
Please see the below holiday greetings I have received in the past/am likely to receive again this year:
“I want you to know that I firmly believe we’re all of the same beautiful, special human blood. Have a wonderful holiday, friend.” – Sincerely, Katherine Whitewater
“Joy to the World! Boy, do I miss Obama. Have a good one, my dude.” – Cordially, Jakob Oakdyck
“You’re gorgeous and fierce—and so natural-looking. Just like Beyonce!” – Merry Christmas, Jack McDonk
“The only colors I see this Christmas are red and green. Merry X-mas, my dude!” – Love, Scott McWhite
“I so wanted to go to Africa this Christmas, but unfortunately I just couldn’t find the time! It’s definitely in my top five countries to visit though! Happy Holidays!” – Good Wishes For Xmas, Benjamin Bankbucks
“I just wanted you to know that I’ve only ever dated black men, and that me and my black boyfriend are going to have a very swell Christmas this year. Here’s hoping that you do the same! – Warm wishes, Charlotte Hope Prayer
“This might be weird to put in a card, but I just can’t understand how another human being could possibly be racist. It pains me to believe that there’s still an extreme minority of bigoted people in 2018 of all things! Either way, rock on with your holiday spirit and don’t let the haters get you down.” – Ashlyn Ashy
“Bruh, you check out J. Cole’s new album? Shit is lit, fam.” – Yours truly, Brad Brickbreak
“Do all black people celebrate Kwanzaa? Or do you just say fuck it and roll with Christmas? Or maybe…both? Either way, I respect your culture dude. Have a happy Kwanzmas or something, I don’t fuckin’ know.” – Cheers, Braxlee Breadwinner
“I hate everybody equally, and making that joke means I can’t be racist. Merry Xmas” – From our family to yours, Washington Doorknock.
“Hey dude! You’re totally awesome! I bet you’d totally be blushing right now if you were white. Not that there’s anything wrong with not being white! I just meant that black people can’t really blush is all. Not that that makes white people better! You’ve got plenty of color to begin with anyway—oh I hope that isn’t offensive! M-merry Christmas, d-dude!” – XOXO, Katelyn Conchshell
“Man, I hate white people. We ruin everything, including Christmas, amiright? Here’s a happy holidays from one of the few good, woke, white guys out there.” – Season’s blessings, Ryan Guzzlegas
“You’ve got the best hair! Let me touch it!” – Candy cane wishes and mistletoe kisses, Jonathan Mayoman.
Us black folk love white people! Don’t stop being so adorkably white, ya’ll. Just keep in mind that sometimes you don’t do the best job at wishing me a happy holidays. Just a simple “Merry Christmas!” or “Happy New Year” will do. Also, please don’t talk to me about Kwanzaa or reference this year’s hottest rapper in your holiday cards. I’ve never heard a J. Cole album in my life, so please let me enjoy Christmas in peace.