The Spider Venom Cleanse Made My Sex Life Unbelievably Exciting
Bee venom therapy is both bourgeois and passé. You injected yourself, Gerard Butler? Weak sauce. Let the bees do the injecting for you and then maybe we can talk. It’s not like they don’t have perfectly good needles coming out of their butts, you know. Geez.
However, for the past few weeks I’ve been absolutely in love with an elevated version of the animal venom therapy craze. Instead of those boring bees raised in whatever stupid bee houses, this cleanse incorporates black widows raised in spider farms lined with radioactive coffinite (or something). All I know is the ensuing spider bites provide a lovely flush to the cheeks, increased motor function, and the alignment of one’s spiritual Feng shui.
And I’ve even noticed a few other side effects that definitely weren’t in the brochure…
My Senses Are Keen AF
All of my senses have improved drastically. Smells are intensified. The slightest whisper sounds like a thunderclap. My night vision has become so enhanced my movements are precise and confident even on the darkest black of night. This has increased my personal pleasure in untold ways. Every rub, lick, and caress is explosively sensual.
I’m Way More Thicc
My limbs are longer and more shapely, and my hair is thicker than it’s ever been (and I mean thicker everywhere). Plus, my increased strength has made my lovemaking much more vigorous. My endurance is off the charts, and I’ve found that men love a woman who takes charge in the bedroom/can lift 120 times her own body weight.
Rope Play Takes On A Whole New Meaning
I’ve admittedly always been somewhat into bondage, but my new “situation” has added a whole new level of danger and customization. I can bundle my beau up from head-to-toe, covering his mouth and stifling his screams of both pleasure and pain. Or I can splay him wide, hands and feet stretched across my bed web, providing easy access to all the necessary areas.
Are These Eggs? Why Are There So Many Eggs?
This isn’t exactly sexy, but I feel it’s important information for anyone who may be considering spider venom therapy for themselves. I used to want to cuddle after sex and my partners were seldom all that interested. But that doesn’t matter anymore, because now I can snuggle up with my 800 babies, instead! Not like I have a choice. When my lovers see me laying hundreds of eggs immediately after sex they tend to leave pretty quick. Typical men.
I Occasionally (Slash, Often) Bite The Heads Off My Sexual Partners
I admit this may be a little too kinky for some, but I’ve yet to hear any complaints. Besides, it’s the least they can do to help provide for all these eggs.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…