Bunny Ears Staff Advice Column: HEALTH
[EDITOR’S NOTE: Welcome to the fourth and final (for now) Bunny Ears advice column, where Bunny Ears staff submit questions, and other Bunny Ears staff provide answers. Neither party knew who was asking or answering their questions. Until now … ]
Q – Elijah Taylor
I am trying to get in better shape, but I don’t have a lot of money. It feels so difficult to eat healthy without paying a premium. Help!
A – Amanda Mannen
It can feel impossible to slim down and eat well on a budget, and that’s because it is. That’s why you need to start stealing. The key is not to take too much from any one store. Walk out of Safeway with a few grapefruits in your pockets. Then head down to Ralph’s and stuff some whole grain pasta down your socks. Go down the street to Whole Foods and shove a few avocadoes up your vagina. In just one crime spree, you’ve got a good breakfast, dinner, and lunch, respectively. Make sure you dress for it: Layer up some grandpa sweaters for maximum pockets, knee-high boots to hide the pasta, and cute summer dresses for easy access to nature’s pocket. This outfit is not only utilitarian, it’s so stylish that no one will suspect you’re a poor, much less a degenerate criminal. For a real challenge and also the freshest food possible, I’ve written an entire guide to stealing from your neighbor’s garden. Just don’t get caught: The food in prison is full of trans fats.
Q – Ken Hanley
Hey Bunny Ears! I talked to my grandfather the other day and he convinced me that diabetes is a fake disease concocted by pharmaceutical companies to slowly poison people to death. Assuming that medical experts are in the pocket of big pharma, as proven by the opioid crisis, what would you recommend for diabetics to eat to get that poison medicine out of their system?
A – Allison Mick
This is a classic conundrum that we here at Bunny Ears face constantly, which is a roundabout way of saying that you’re not special. And yet the dilemma persists: we want to live forever but the people telling us how to do it are lying so they can profit off our sick, sad, weak bodies. What to do? Don’t worry: Bunny Ears has the last word you’ll ever need on assessing medical claims.
Diabetes is a serious issue affecting the 3rd best humour: blood. The best way to remove sugar from your blood is spinning. Not Soul Cycle™ but it is a cycle that will heal your soul. Many elite athletes have their blood spun. Apheresis machines remove blood, separate it via centrifugal force, and puts only the good parts back in. It’s highly effective which is why it’s highly illegal. THE MAN doesn’t want us watching the best of the best. Instead, HE wants us to watch commercials for car insurance and Doritos. Don’t give HIM what he wants. Instead, remove your blood with machines like Mother Earth intended.
All you have to do to be the best of the best is to head down to your local blood bank. If you’re feeling a little too sugary, tell them you’d like to donate whole blood. Then wink. They’ll know what that means. The wink is crucial. The whole process takes about an hour. When you’re done, you’ll feel lightheaded and drained of energy. That’s how you know it’s working. Good luck and good blood!
Q – Luis Prada
My wife has a weird biting habit – and not the sexy kind. She chews on things when she’s anxious, which is always. Aside from the gaping holes she idly gnaws into blankets, pillowcases, and towels, what I find the most annoying is when I pick up said item not knowing she’s been snacking on it only to find I’m clutching a large moist patch of her saliva.
Help me, Bunny Ears. What can I do to get her to stop?
A – Jason Shapiro
Anxiety-induced gnawing is more common than you think. While sometimes annoying, it’s an effective way to reduce stress in a mostly safe way. What you really should be worried about is contracting contact-based anxiety through your partner’s saliva. Contact-based anxiety is a recently discovered condition that affects millions all over the world. If you’re infected with your wife’s anxiety, you may experience hallucinations (your wife’s day dreams, night dreams, or sex dreams), agitation, vomiting, psychosomatic constipation, really cool/creepy thoughts, and full body tingling. Get to the root of the problem by dealing with her anxiety and trying to alleviate it. Name her anxiety so that when it rears its ugly head, you’re both prepared and can ask it to leave. Name it Nathaniel P. Wilkinson and give it a backstory involving a life at sea and an unlikely friendship with a sea lion named Gustavo. They’ve traveled the seven seas together but can they survive as roommates?! Good luck in all your future endeavors and always remember to wash your feet properly!
Q – Katie Goldin
I want to feel like a goddess, but I’m having trouble transforming those who spite me into hideous animals. What gives? Am I not drinking enough kale shakes?
There is a common misconception that kale, given its powerful antioxidant and nutrient-dense makeup, gives your body the unlimited power to do everything from cure cancer to bend space-time. Unfortunately this isn’t completely true. While it’s perfectly within the realm of possibilities for you to one day transform inferior human beings into the non-cute, tragically unloveable mutants of your choice with the correct dosage and combination of superfoods, I would first (before giving you that recipe) ask that you take a look at the reasons you want to permanently metamorphosize these people into grotesque creatures in the first place. Did someone hurt you? Did they break your trust? Your feelings are valid. But have you ever tried, I don’t know…talking to them about it? It can be just as cathartic to be truly heard as it can to exact terrifying revenge on your enemies. And they might, actually come to the table with you and get real about some issues and maybe apologize? Sometimes people can really surprise you…
But usually, they don’t! So if honesty and feelings don’t work, up your kale smoothie intake to six 16oz smoothies per day, and don’t forget to add 1oz of adaptogenic mushroom protein and 6 illegally harvested, unfrozen stem cells. It should only take a week or two before you are bestowed with the goddess-like ability to turn anyone who spites, degrades, insults, or otherwise cuts you in line at Starbucks into gnarled and slimy beasts for the rest of eternity.
(May I recommend the goblin shark or the blobfish, btw? They are pretty gross.)