The New Sega Mini Is Cool, But My Parents Are Still Divorced
And it’s still all my fault.
The 5 Best Places In The World To Shamelessly Rock A Fanny Pack
From Stockholm to a Doobie Brothers show.
Avengers Endgame Is a Masterful Allegory That Champions Flat Earth Truth
THIS ARTICLE HAS AVENGERS: ENDGAME SPOILERS. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. THERE ARE SPOILERS IN THIS.
Macaulay Culkin Points at Wrestlemania!
Macaulay Culkin is going to point at things forever!
Swimming with Lobsters Might Be The Key to Curing Anxiety
“As I waded into a murky backyard pool in Long Beach, California, I felt that familiar tightening in my gut. My anxiety was rearing its ugly head, reminding me that I have an ever-present passenger. I continued forward, my lonely thighs now fully submerged, and felt a pinch. Then two more. I was not alone […]
Gift Ideas For Santa, Who Is Real, Despite What Liars Say
All level-headed, thoughtful adults know that Santa is totally real and totally in need of some sweet Christmas presents.
I Don’t Eat Scary Red Foods And You Shouldn’t Either!
Red is the color of stop and blood!
The Way You Spell Hanukkah Could Determine If You’re A Sociopath
So, what’s it gonna be? You a man with a big C? Double N? What are we gonna do here
Mobile Board Yoga Is Revolutionizing The Fitness And Wellness World
Mobile board yoga, the newest Hollywood fitness craze, is the real deal.
Five Rite Aids You MUST Visit Before You Die
Stop what you’re doing, grab your travel journal, and take note, ’cause I’m going to run down the five Rite Aids you MUST visit before you eat the big one.
Fetish Of The Month: Soup Porn
Hey there sex-positive adventurers! You and your special someone are about to embark on a sensual trip to Flavortown. And if all goes as planned, Guy Fieri will have nothing to do with it. Our current fetish of the month is Soup Porn. Soup Porn is a category of pornography that is comprised of a […]
A Man’s Guide To Freezing Your Eggs
Why Is Everyone Talking About Eggs? Eggs have become such a hot-button issue in our society. Are they good for you? Do they have too much cholesterol? How runny is over-medium supposed to be? And most importantly, as I’ve recently gathered from hushed conversations in coffee shops that I had to strain to barely eavesdrop […]
Which Of Your Favorite Childhood Heroes Has Big Dick Energy?
In our identity-obsessed culture, it’s dangerous to put people in boxes—both literally and figuratively. But while there’s no one way to define a soul, there are definitely strong universal energies which we all possess that help define who we are. And today, I want to talk specifically about Big Dick Energy (BDE). Everyone and their […]
Try This Irresistible, Sense-Delighting, Open Wound Salve
Open wound salves are a huge part of my everyday routine, which is why I know not all salves are created equal. In fact, most wound ointments not only sting when applied, but they come out greasy—and no one wants to get that oily mess on a loved one or sexual partner. I need the […]
Are You Eating Enough Nostalgic Food?
Food trends may come and go, but the foods you ate as a child ironically never go out of style. Most importantly, our bodies recognize the spiritual nutrients of nostalgic foods and manifest repair on a cellular level, returning us to our younger, healthier selves. Scientific facts like these help experts (like me!) recommend a […]
How To Get Robert Mueller To Stop Super-Liking You On Tinder
Navigating the current dating landscape, specifically, the “Tinder Game,” can be incredibly confusing. Everyone’s there for a different reason. Some people are looking for real relationships, some people are looking for strange, some people are looking for meaningless hook ups, some people are just seeking attention, and Robert Mueller is super-liking away for who knows […]
Free Monthly Horoscopes – June Edition
Summer is officially here, so astrally project yourself into your monthly Horoscope Guide. Whether you intend to have a summer of love or a summer of deep thought and solitude, the stars have their own plan for you, and all it takes is a receptive ear to listen to the Universe’s motherly whisper. Aquarius: As […]
How To Monitor Your Midi-Chlorians To Live Your Best Life
Midi-Chlorians. We all have them! Some of us have a high Midi-Chlorian count; we excel in life, have a strong connection to the Force, and deep flourishing relationships. Others have a low Midi-Chlorian count, and they’re people too! But whether you have a lot or a little, monitoring your Midi-Chlorians and developing a relationship with […]
Wiping Out Half the Universe: Could Thanos’ Plan Be The Key to Spiritual Wellness?
Thanos has many aliases – The Mad Titan, The Most Powerful Being in the Universe, Daddy, The Dark Lord, Father, and Genocidal Maniac – and yet we still don’t know that much about who he is. Here’s what we do know: Thanos is a very driven person who has been manipulating his Chitauri army, Ronan […]
An Insider’s Guide To Shoes
People often tell me, “Wow, those are interesting shoes.” Friends, strangers, Dr. Linda, family members, guidance counselors – they’re always talking about my shoes. I’m the shoe guy! I never dreamed I could become an expert, but Dr. Linda is encouraging me to be nicer to myself, and “stand in my truth,” so here I […]
Four Easy-To-Get Cryptocurrencies That Will Change Your Life
Sorry, Warren Buffett! Cryptocurrency is the way of the future and it’s here to stay. Cryptocurrency, or “Crypto” as us insiders like to call it, is the money our children, our grandchildren, and even our great-great-great-great grandchildren will deal in because it represents freedom and can’t be controlled by a would-be authoritarian government. Through decentralization, […]
We Have To Talk About How I Felt Excluded From The Oscars
It’s that time of year again: when I sulk in my room, hate-eating a Papa John’s Tuscan Six Cheese pizza by myself while listening to Jewel songs, because I wasn’t invited to the Oscars. We are going on 90 YEARS of the Oscars unfairly excluding me and we need to talk about it. Why I […]