I consider myself a foodie with a sophisticated palate, and I delight in exploring new and authentic recipes whenever I can. That being said, I made the decision long ago to NEVER eat foods that feature the color red, and I’m here to tell you that it’s absolutely the best way to live.
1. Red Foods Are Scary!
Red is inherently a violent color, and why would you want to be thinking about violence and getting hurt while you’re trying to eat? Also, red is the color of blood, which is terrifying. Blood is supposed to stay inside our bodies, and in an ideal world we would never see it. So maybe don’t remind me of nature’s nightmare juice while I’m enjoying a meal.
Also, you know what else is red? The Devil.
2. Red Means Stop
We’re socialized from an early age to associate certain colors with actions. Green means go. Yellow means slow down. Red? Stop. No. BAD. Our society hinges on the premise that we agree on these color associations. They even made it a law that you can’t drive when the light is red! When we break these rules (in our homes and in public) the fabric of society begins to fray and things go bad fast. This is all the evidence I’ll ever need to know that red foods are just plain wrongsies.
So…Eat This Stuff Instead!
Instead of eating strawberries, eat blueberries. Strawberries are so ashamed of their color that they don’t even have it in their name. Blueberries are nice, loud, and proud of who they are. They’re the perfect substitute for any dish that previously featured strawberries, including blueberry shortcake, blueberries and cream, and mixed berry salad (blueberries and blueberries).
Also, I’m about to blow your mind: Pizza doesn’t even need sauce! Everyone knows the best part of pizza is the cheese, so why are we even messing around with that gross, slimy sauce business, anyways? The one red food you probably can’t really go without is Mountain Dew Code Red, so always remember to close your eyes real tight while drinking it.
Welcome to your new life and say goodbye to bad red foods forever! It’s my goal to eradicate red foods by 2025, so please share and spread the word. I’m also very interested in getting in touch with more friends in the #NeverRed food community, so say hello in the comments and tell me your favorite tips and tricks for avoiding that Satan hue.