bunnyears

…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….

My Doctor Told Me I Have A Week To Live And This Is How Crazy I’m Going To Spend It

one week to live

If you look up the definition of “wallflower” in the dictionary, my picture should be next to it, provided it’s some kind of picture book dictionary. I hate confrontation and avoid it at all cost. My parents thought I was intellectually disabled because I didn’t speak until I was five years old. I’m not stupid; I just didn’t want to bother anyone. So when my doctor told me I had a week left to live, I just shrugged. Bummer. I kept my mouth shut, a smile plastered on my face.

That night, however, my mind was running. Some people choose “YOLO” as their life motto, but what was going through my mind was “YODO” — you only die once. Scenes from my life starting running through my mind, like a very quiet, very boring movie. My heart was beating. My breathing quickened. What was this sensation? Maybe it was the disease that was ravaging my body, or maybe, I had  finally had enough. I came to a decision. This is how I’m going to spend my last week on earth:

1. Tell The Cashier At Ralph’s That He’s Packing My Bags Wrong And Show Him How To Do It Properly

Who puts eggs at the bottom of the bag?! Every time I go shopping, my grocery bag bursts and all my groceries get destroyed. I’d like to, just once, enjoy the Jello pudding I buy.

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2. Finally Say “I Know Avocado Is Extra” To The Chipotle Guy

Avocado is my favorite food and I’m tired of being told it’s extra. Enough is enough. Does Captain Obvious work at Chipotle? Does he work at Hoke Poke? How many jobs does this guy need, on top of his captaincy duties? They don’t have to tell me every time I go if I eat there multiple times per week.

3. Honk My Car Horn

Honking my horn always seemed so aggressive to me. Consequently, I’ve had someone backup into my car an amazing 12 times, and because of that, the mechanic is my best friend a.k.a my only friend. (The person you see the most frequently is considered your best friend, right?) Well, I’m honking this week. Watch out, teenager sitting on Instagram when the light turns green, I’m about to give you a light toot.

4. Leave A Silly Note On My Rent Check

This one makes me giggle, so I’m going to do this as a treat for myself. When I write next month’s rent check, in the notes section, I’m going to write, “So long, sucker!” Get it? Because I’m leaving both the apartment and my physical body. And when I go to drop that rent check off, I’m going to let my landlord know my name is Diana. Not Diane. It says my name right there on the check, every month, yet he calls me Diane every single time. Not anymore, sucker!

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5. Talk To My Upstairs Neighbors About Their Bad Behavior

I declare this will be the week I don’t get smacked in the face with garbage! I know that sounds weird, but the people who live in the apartment above me have this habit of throwing their garbage off their balcony, which ricochets into my apartment. I’ve been hit with empty laundry detergent containers, water bottles, and even cigarette butts. That last one didn’t hurt, but it’s by far the most bothersome. I’m going to march upstairs and politely say, “Please stop throwing your garbage off the balcony.” That will show them. And this is crazy, but I don’t even care if doing so makes them not like me. That’s right. So they won’t be at my funeral. It’s fine. Their loss!

This week is going to be the best week of my life. And I pray that I die next Thursday as expected because I’d never be able to handle the backlash of my actions otherwise.

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