These Corsets Will Make Your Waist So Tiny You Faint Straight Onto His Dick

July 13, 2018 by , featured in Lifestyle
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Everything old is new again: unvaccinated children, unfiltered water, and now, corsets! Thanks to celebrities like the literal hourglass in Aladdin, waist training and corsetry are back. We’re always on-trend here at Bunny Ears, so we’ve retained a staff corsetiere. Gertrude may be severe, but she gets results! We can’t wait to teach you how to cinch your waist right down to the spine, restricting your blood flow to such a great extent that you swoon directly atop his hog.

Corsets fell out of fashion at the beginning of the 20th century, when society decided that women had had it too good for too long and should have to maintain their figures without help from supportive undergarments. Get thee to the gym, thoroughly modern Millie! Here at Bunny Ears, we’re excited to reclaim the benefits of corsets—cutting off our circulation and send us reeling onto our sweetheart’s knob.

In the ’60s and ’70s, a man who wanted to rearrange a woman’s organs needed a sharp knife and a free weekend. Now, women have stepped up to do that work for him with corsetry! Of course, there’s only one organ we really care about, ahem, “rearranging,” and we’re sending it straight up our English channels. Has your liver been enjoying a little extra wiggle room? Not anymore. Cozy up to the gall bladder, buddy, there’s no room for slackers anymore

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You’re probably wondering at this point if waist training is safe. Rest assured, we checked with a corset seller whose profits depend 100% on corset sales, and they told us that corsets are completely safe and fun for a variety of occasions. They’re the experts!

That’s not to say that you should just dive-in bonnet-first. The truth is, if you cinch your waist down to a minuscule stick with no preparation, you’re way more likely to damage your body in a way that would make you conk it atop the ol’ Victorian walking stick. To help you decide how low you should go, we’ve created a simple mnemonic device: “If your waist be super small, straight onto his dick you’ll fall.” Your only limit is your ability to ignore your body’s signals! Also, the circumference of your spine. Gertrude tore through a lot of interns figuring that second one out.

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The most important part of any corset is the boning, and you’ll be boning the second your tightly laced stays cause you to faint onto a gentleman’s vital tree. Also, most people use steel nowadays. The only whale bone we’re interested in is the one under the plaid wool trousers of the steed we’re a-courting, am I correct, good lady?

A corset can help you decrease the size of your waist, but what you lose in inches of meat, you’ll make up for inches of meat. I know it looks like we’re winking here, but one of our eyes is actually just closed because we are about to pass out.

Good luck and godspeed onto his lordly banger!


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1 Comment

  1. I might not even need that corset since I already passed out from laughing too hard at this article. Great work!

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