How To Look Really, Really, Really Cool In Front Of Your Therapist

When going to see a new therapist, it’s often very difficult to know exactly how to look cool in front of them; after all, you are going to see them once a week, in a non-committal, casual way for at least a while. Or at least until you notice some red flags about them and bail. So here are some easy steps on how to look really, really, really cool in front of your therapist. Strap on your sunglasses, because you’re going to use them.

Show Up Fashionably Late, So You Look Cooler

Everyone knows that being perfectly on time makes you kind of uncool. It’s an old adage, but it’s very true. Starting off from a place to recover is the best way to make an entrance because that allows you to be not only interesting but exciting.

Look Good, You Have To Let Them Know You Know How To Present Yourself

You can’t just show up in whatever garb you wear all the time in front of your friends, or around the house, no. You have to make an impression, so make sure that you dress much, much nicer than you usually do (and if you want, you can even lie about having something fun planned right after therapy, I won’t tell).

Make It A Two-Way Conversation

Since you’re talking about the small stuff, it should be easy enough for them to contribute. Ask them questions about themselves and “why they’re here” so that they feel included. This will make them think you’re not only cool but compassionate and safe.

Subtly Touch Them Whenever Possible

You’ve got to move it along at this point, they seem bored, are just jotting down notes, letting you do all the talking, and they’re barely laughing, so it’s time to make a move. Next time they’re asking you a follow-up question, casually touch their elbow and tell them, no matter what the subject is, that they’re being really funny and that you think they look very pretty. This is a really cool thing to do. Plus your hour will be up before you know it, so don’t miss your chance.

Make Sure To Listen More Than You Speak

There’s nothing worse than a person who blabs on and on and on about themselves. Take a seven-minute rule: whenever you talk for seven minutes, ask them a question and then follow up so that they’re talking for seven minutes. Alternate til your hour is over. You’ll only have a few opportunities to do this because keep in mind, the clock is ticking.

They Don’t Have To Like Everything You Like

If they say that they don’t know what something you love “even is” or if they seem to not find your old, impossibly long Farscape episode recaps interesting, no worries. Remember the rule of opposites! If you’ve made it this far you’re likely on track to be their *coolest* patient.

Ask A Lot Of Questions, But Not Too Many

This goes back to making sure you listen more than you speak. It’s important to ask questions, enough so that they feel comfortable talking about themselves. Sometimes getting a therapist to talk about themselves at length is hard, but when they do, that’s how you know you’ve found the one. Don’t ask too many questions though, because that’s not cool.

How To Make The Obligatory Kiss Less Awkward By Being Forward

It’s about that time. Yeah, that’s right, now it’s time for a super cool *boss move”. After a great conversation, it’s time for the obligatory post-therapy hug. Maintain prolonged eye contact, then make them feel special by leaning in for a kiss when they least expect it. You may get someone who says that they have a family and that this wasn’t the point of our hour, or that they don’t date patients, or that this is completely out of line, or that this isn’t cool (red flag), but “the one waits for no one.” See if it works. Don’t let your heart down. Being forward is very cool.

You may go through a lot of therapists, but there’s plenty of fish in the sea, and even if they don’t respond to your phone calls, emails, or texts, it doesn’t mean they don’t care. They’re probably just going through their own thing. Keep going and keep trying these steps. I went through about 15 therapists with 6 restraining orders (therapists, am I right?), but don’t let that deter you. There are therapists out there for everyone. Also, make sure to wait three days to make a second appointment, because they may have other patients (they always have other patients). Now *that’s* looking really, really, really cool to all therapists. This applies to all therapists.

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