Don’t Snort Condoms, All The REAL COOL TEENS Are Snorting Abstinence

April 6, 2018 by , featured in Spiritual Wellness
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We spend a lot of time here on Bunny Ears providing wealthy, successful adults with fashion, health, and spiritual advice to help make them wealthier and more successful in their personal lives. But that doesn’t mean we don’t see you, teens. We see you, and more importantly we understand. Being a teenager is tough, especially when you’re rich. And being a rich teen on the internet, armed with disposable income and time, can be dangerous. You may not realize it, but you’re at risk. At risk of falling prey to hot viral videos. Nobody understands the plight of rich teens more than our founder and figurehead, Macaulay Culkin. And he wants to help, probably. We’re certain he would, if he had the time. So in the interest of teen outreach, let Bunny Ears help you navigate the most recent hip teenage internet trend – snorting condoms.

You’ve probably seen the videos by now, and sure, they look like a lot of fun. Odds are you’re reading this on your iPhone X right now, standing in line at the Rite Aid in Beverly Hills, your arms loaded with condoms. But before you carry them to the counter and put them on the credit card you share with your father, stop and ask yourself, “Will snorting these condoms provide me with adequate sexual protection?” The answer, of course, is no. Condoms are only 85% effective, and then only when they’re worn on a penis. Snorting them up your nose might get you the likes and follows you’re looking for, but it won’t prevent you from having to get your parents to pay for an abortion. No, if you want to dip your toe into the viral contraceptive-snorting stew, there’s only one responsible way to do it – by snorting abstinence.

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Unlike condoms, abstinence is 100% effective in preventing teen pregnancy. And there are countless advantages to snorting abstinence over condoms, first and foremost being the quality of your social media posts. Let’s face it – every condom looks pretty much the same, which means that every video of someone snorting condoms also looks pretty much the same. But when you’re snorting abstinence, you have a wealth of options, which means endless variety for your videos! One day you could snort the Bible, the next you could rail a line of Dragonball Z manga. If you get tired of paper, you can do a knuckle bump of single-cell organisms that reproduce asexually. Or you can go to a midnight screening of that new Pacific Rim movie and just breathe in the air. The options are endless, so you’ll be delighting your followers with refreshing new videos while keeping yourself safely unpregnant. It’s win-win!

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Another big advantage of snorting abstinence is the cost. Obviously money is no object, but there are other costs involved with shoving tubes of latex into your nasal cavities. For instance, many people are allergic to latex and don’t even realize it, so you don’t want to be on the receiving end of an allergic discovery when you’ve got a gob of latex already lodged in your septum. And God help you if you try snorting a lambskin condom. The smell alone will cause you to projectile vomit, a brown tube of animal skin flapping halfway out of your nose with each violent retch. And then your video will be ruined. However, if you’d gone the abstinence route and snorted a rolled-up book of Garfield cartoons, you’d be kicking back vomit-free and watching the likes and subscribes pour in.

So there you have it, impressionable teens born into extravagant wealth! Take this opportunity to put your own unique and body healthy spin on the condom-snorting trend by snorting abstinence. Your parents, followers, and potential revenue-sharers at YouTube will respect you for your responsible statement about teen pregnancy as you post a video of you sniffing chunks of an instructional VHS on medieval horseback riding.


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2 Comments

  1. When I was a kid in the 80’s we snorted female condoms. My mom always had loads of them in her underwear drawer. That, my friend, was a real challenge. We didn’t have Youtube to brag about it. We did it simply for the love of the game. Simpler times.

  2. I recall one kid in my high school who snorted abstinence… Well it was more like Chocolate Chip Cookies, Pixie Sticks, and whatever his other animalistic friends would request. I don’t recall him ever having hooked up with another human, so theoretically this worked. Although, he did die last year.

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