The Winner Of Braun Strowman vs. Tyson Fury Gets To Keep The Loser’s Hands
In an attempt to raise the stakes of the upcoming matchup between Braun Strowman and Tyson Fury at WWE Crown Jewel, WWE has announced a new stipulation: The winner of the match will get to keep the loser’s hands. This carries great significance for both men. Without hands, Tyson Fury will no longer be able to continue his world-class boxing career. Without hands, Braun Strowman will have nothing for his opponents to get.
“I’m better than Braun Strowman,” Fury told us in a sit-down interview, “but the one thing he has over me is a bigger set of hands. After I beat him this Thursday at Crown Jewel, I fully intend to hollow out his hands, put them over my own like a pair of mittens, and use them to play video games.”
It was a disturbing boast, especially when contrasted with Strowman’s attitude. “If I don’t win, I’ll never get to PAINT again. That’s not to say I paint now, but I always assumed I would pick it up in my OLD! AGE!” Then Strowman stood up and turned over our table and kicked out a window, all the while screaming in rage.
The possibility of losing his hands must really be getting to him. Or maybe that’s just his personality, we don’t know.
A Sticky Stipulation
As we continued speaking with the two competitors, however, it became clear that neither was truly comfortable with the new terms.
“I have to think about my boxing career,” Fury said. “If you want to be a boxer but you don’t have hands, you have to wear these fake plastic hands. They are very uncomfortable and are clearly made by Fisher-Price, which is a toy company for children. I am not a child. I am an adult man.”
A stream of sweat poured from Strowman’s beard as he said, “I had a dream that I was doing push-ups. All of a sudden, I dropped onto my chest and face, because I didn’t have hands. Also, we were in my high school, but it wasn’t my high school, you know?”
The Worst Kind of Hand Job
As Strowman droned on about his boring dream, I started to wonder: Could they find a way out of this? Perhaps through communication? If only these megastars could meet and agree to somehow fake the severing-of-the-hands gimmick. The winner could conceivably celebrate with something that merely looked like hands, such as gloves full of oatmeal.
But Strowman could never consider such a thing. “Fury said he wanted to use my hands to play video games. I can’t negotiate with him after that. That’s messed up.”
Both these men are clearly too caught up in their pride to change the inevitable. One of these behemoths is going to lose their hands. As you’re watching Crown Jewel this Thursday, October 31st, bite your nails and pick some quarters off the ground in honor of whichever one of these two athletes will never be able to do that again.